Having been thoroughly briefed on the taboos and restrictions by which the life of a minister is said to be circumscribed, naturally, I did not deliberately set out to be the wife of one. But what is a girl to do when she meets a gentleman of the cloth whom she recognizes as the one man without whom she cannot be happy? So I took the step that exiled me to that man's land, which lies midway be tween pulpit and pew, and I've never been sorry!
No discussion of the minister's life is complete without mentioning the necessity for living on a limited income, yet we suffer no more than other public servants. The members of the teaching profession, for example, are fairly well advanced toward martyrdom in this respect. Doubtless there is justification for the current agitation to raise the living standards of public job holders, but it is our observation that those who complain most loudly about inadequate salaries are the ones who are giving a minimum of service. For the minister and his wife, we have found no formula to improve upon the Scriptural one, "Seek ye first the kingdom and these things will be added." In my fairly large acquaintance, I do not know of a single minister's wife who, with a little imagination, cannot contrive to dress so that the members of her husband's church need not feel ashamed of her, and at the same time in such a manner as not to arouse the envy of the ladies in the congregation. It is as bad to dress too lavishly as too poorly in any social station.
During these days of housing shortages, we are moved to count the manse (faulty as it may be) among our blessings indeed, to put it near the top of the list. As we look about the one in which we now live, we try to calculate just what kind of money a professional or business man would have to command to own or rent this house. We count the ten large rooms, in which the children can have privacy and grow up like human beings. We contemplate the sunny kitchen, newly remodeled and redecorated. How many families would be thrilled if they had just two of our rooms for living quarters? To compensate for the fact that we cannot will it to our children is the fact that we do not have to pay the taxes or the decorator.
Moving is sometimes cited as one of the trials of a minister's wife. Perhaps if one has perpendicular roots instead of horizontal this would be a hardship, but to me it's part of the fun. Moving expenses are usually paid by the church, so the move means nothing financially. And to find at one's destination a house painted, waxed and polished from cellar to attic is an adventure, with the drudgery removed.
It takes a heap of living to make a house a home, we are told, so we feel challenged to do a heap of living in a short time, and we do!
Our children have a sense of security in the midst of changing scenes, which we feel helps to give them social aplomb and practice in making adjustments, which is priceless.
Social Life
When we arrive we find, not only our house prepared, but a large group of people eagerly awaiting us. In no time, we feel like old settlers. We automatically become members of women's organizations in the church and are invited to join other worth while groups in the community. The latter we may take or leave alone. Through the years I've had to console so many people who have felt strange and neglected in a new place that I have come to value this "ready-made" social position.
Then I think with gratitude of all the invitations to play bridge that I have not been obliged to turn down and of the cocktails I have not been required to refuse and of all the cigarettes for which I have not had to foot the bill.
I find my social life wholly satisfying and complete. I can do absolutely anything that any self-respecting woman would want to do. I can, and do, teach my children that they do not have to do thus and so, nor refrain from this or that, because they are minister's children, but because they are Christians.
Attitude Toward Criticism
I never worry about being a gold fish be cause I have never been tempted to do any thing I need to cover up; at the same time I make no pretense of being perfect or free from the faults and foibles of my sisters.
Everyone is more or less subject to the scrutiny and criticism of his immediate associates. As soon as one discovers that she can please some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time but not all the people all of the time, she will be as happy as any adult in this troubled world. When she adds to this average-happiness the many advantages and satisfactions of her position, she will soon realize that she has happiness-plus.
The criticisms that come to one's ears may disturb an over-sensitive soul, but with a little practice one learns to take them in stride and to use them constructively. It is not always easy to separate the petty from the legitimate but it's a good exercise in self-examination. Whence came the idea that ministers are more subject to criticism than others in the public eye? I've heard it said of my favorite physician, "I wouldn't take a dog to him!" Yet nobody thinks of feeling sorry for doctors.
As for the snoopers in the ladies' aid's societies who inspect the cupboards and peer under the beds for dust, these are purely mythical characters. If these bogey-women ever existed, except in the imagination of the humorists, they have passed from the scene. For the most part, church members just cannot be bothered with such nonsense; most of them are too busy.
Capacity for Friendship Essential
Often the prime qualification for a good pastor's "assistant" is thought to be the ability to "lead a meeting," teach a Sunday school class, or direct a choir. True enough, she can't have too many such aptitudes, but in my opinion they are secondary to her capacity for friendship and her instinct for sensing the needs and hungers of people and the willingness to meet them with a sincere response.
It is more important to give a lift to the spiritually and morally down and out than to stay in the good graces of the social leaders. Need we say that "gushing" seldom succeeds? No body wants to feel his good will is being wooed with effusions. Without a capacity for sincere friendship, or the will to honestly cultivate it, leave it alone.
There are always the sick and shut-ins to be visited, but if one isn't naturally friendly and anxious to make life brighter for others, she had better stay home and crochet. Just because a minister's wife is expected to do these things is no guarantee that she will do them well. If she does them merely from a sense of duty, her visits will hardly be satisfying or rewarding.
I have known wives who would rather die than admit that their spouses had any faults. They definitely evade the issue if asked whether tempers are ever lost in the manse. While I aim never to offend good taste by discussing the details of my domestic tranquility, or lack of it, I am perfectly willing to admit that our marriage performs one of the functions for which it was ordained as a safety valve to let off pent up emotions and frustrations.
While a minister's wife must go knee deep into the problems and worries of her husband, she must also cultivate a sense of humor, in order that life in the manse, which ordinarily is real and earnest, may also have its lighter intervals.
Yes, I married a minister and I'm glad of it. In fact, I recommend it.
