A FEW months ago an anonymous letter came to the MINISTRY editors. It was passed along to me for answering. Here is how the familiar, as old as sin, account read:
"Dear Sirs: I am wondering if you can give some advice in an article along the lines of how a pastor can best conduct himself in relationship to other women in the church.
"Does it breed familiarity to call them by their first name?
"To visit young women in their homes when they are alone, and their husbands are working, such as the church treasurer, missionary secretary, et cetera?
"To lend them his personal articles, such as handkerchiefs and earmuffs during Ingathering time?
"To always be seen talking to women in a very close, friendly manner and in a low tone of voice?
"Should he always be willing to run errands for them and take them places in his car? Chit-chat with them on the telephone?
"At any meeting time to go around and make sure he shakes hands with them, visiting the Sabbath school rooms or wherever he can find them?
"I am a minister's wife, and I have tried to help my husband along these lines, but he refuses to see it. Now the church members are talking about his familiarity with women and one woman in particular.
"I am traveling, so you do not know my identity, but I am a heartbroken minister's wife praying for help before it is too late."
Since the actors in this tragic drama are unknown, a two-part answer is necessary. It is rather rare to credit all the errors committed in an episode of this nature to one party. So let's talk about the minister-husband first.
Shocked Over Falling
Any normal man who thinks himself immune to immorality had better search his soul and daily consider Paul's cautions. "Be not high-minded, but fear" (Rom. 11:20). "If you feel sure that you are standing firm, beware! You may fall" (1 Cor. 10:12 N.E.B.).* To discredit these words makes a person a sympathizer with the devil.
I have talked with more than one fallen minister who was dismayed and shocked over the fact that he fell! If we could secure honest testimonies from every man dismissed from our ministerial ranks for this cause, I think we would find common agreement on the point that a man must be on guard constantly and exercise utmost caution in all his relationships with the opposite sex.
What about preachers calling women members by their first name? It is difficult to lay down a hard-and-fast rule on this point. Much depends on circumstances, but generally speaking, a wise minister will not indulge in this form of familiarity. If you call a woman by her first name, doesn't she have a reciprocal right? We are living in an age of buddy-buddy chumminess. Current thought exalts the theme of "togetherness," which is fine in certain areas of activity. But sin statistics reveal an awful breakdown of sexual moral standards. Wouldn't it be better to be extra cautious in this area, and to keep on the whole armor of God, rather than to follow a path way of undue familiarity that may bring heartbreak to the home and church?
Visiting Alone
Books could be filled with discussions at workers' and ministers' wives' meetings on this problem of a preacher visiting alone in the homes of single women or the homes of married women when the husbands are at work. The ideal situation is for the minister-wife team to visit together, especially in those homes as here described. A full-time-working wife finds a regular visiting program virtually impossible. It is lamentable that any pastor's wife has to work. If our churches ever needed shepherding by a man-and-wife team it certainly is now! The opportunities for a pas tor and his wife to win and mold the hearts of their people are greater now than ever. Too many of our dear members are languishing for tender love and care on the part of both the shepherd and the shepherdess.
If a pastor is in the unfortunate position of having to visit alone because his wife is burdened with a regular job, his only alternative is to visit the married women when their husbands are home, and to visit the single women on weekends when his wife can go with him. If it is impossible for the wife to visit with him, then try all means he should take an elder or deacon with him.
No man can be too cautious in a visitation program. It is a sad fact that there are some lonely ladies who crave the attention of men, and especially the attention of a church leader. "Women are too often tempters. On one pretense or another they engage the attention of men, married or unmarried, and lead them on till they transgress the law of God, till their usefulness is ruined, and their souls are in jeopardy."—Testimonies, vol. 5, p. 596.
Hero Worship
Hero worship is not limited to politicians. It exists in the church! Nothing should be more nauseating to us preachers than for some dreamy-eyed woman to clasp our hand tightly and begin to exude soft, syrupy words of praise, such as, "O Pastor, you are such a marvelous, marvelous preacher. I could just sit and listen to you talk all day long." She may be telling the truth about listening to a preacher all day long, but not talking about the Bible!
The best way to handle these female saccharin-type sycophants is to pry your hand loose immediately and look them straight in the eye and boldly declare, "Sister, if anything I have said has helped you spiritually, praise the Lord, not me, for it!" The quicker you put this type of person in her place, especially if she is young, the better! We have strong counsel on this subject. "They [ministers] should shun every appearance of evil, and when young women are very sociable, it is their duty to let them know that it is not pleasing. They must repulse this forwardness even if they are thought to be rude. Such things should be rebuked in order to save the cause from reproach."—Ibid., vol. 1, p. 381. "Allow no one to praise or flatter you, or to cling to your hand as if loath to let it go. Be afraid of every such demonstration."— Ibid., vol. 5, p. 596.
Door Never Closed
One minister I personally know, whose reputation is spotless and whose character and accomplishments are outstanding, re fuses ever to visit any woman who is alone unless someone is with him. Furthermore, his church office door is never closed if an unaccompanied woman is talking with him. He follows this practice regardless of their age. It undoubtedly has upset some, but I wonder how many former ministers would still be ascending the pulpit every Sabbath had they followed this man's example.
The reserved yet kind and sympathetic personality is to be coveted. An avalanche of woe and misery can start over the smallest instance. An extra special smile, touch of a hand, a few flattering words, a flash of the eye, can be the tiny vibration that sets this avalanche in motion. Vice can so readily become desirable and virtue detested when self-will becomes the rule.
Purity of thought, word, and action is the minister's only safeguard. A battle against evil doesn't cease with age. More than one gray-haired ecclesiastic has yielded to the forbidden fruit of extra marital relations. In this age of weird abandonment of pure principles let the minis ter of God set the example of holy, cautious living.
(Next month we will discuss the role of a minister's wife as a faithful, lovable companion.)
* The New English Bible, New Testament. © The Delegates of the Oxford University Press and the Syndics of the Cambridge University Press 1961. Reprinted by permission
