If you are a typical pastor who has been in a particular parish for a few years, you're seeing some young couples you married a few years ago now beginning to show signs of marital difficulties. The long fingers of divorce have probably reached into your pews more than once or twice to snatch apart couples that you never dreamed were susceptible. You feel bad about such -situations, and powerless at the same time. "What can I really do?" you ask yourself. To begin with, you can determine that every couple planning for marriage will have the benefit of some kind of marriage preparation program. In the premarriage period, as well as in the early months of their life together, the foundation of the couple's marital relationship is being laid. A well-designed premarriage program can be a positive help in getting the married years started right.
Pastors and counselors attempting to institute premarriage programs face several difficult challenges, however. Premarital couples tend to be in a state of "bliss"— emotionally detached from reality and not very teachable. Many come through the teen-age years with a feeling that they have arrived and therefore can handle quite competently any situation that might arise. A romantic view of love and marriage frequently blocks the couple from any discussion of deep relationship issues. They believe that problems they may encounter later (or may even be having premaritally) will surely be driven away by their love. In fact, many do not want to be confronted with anything that might in any way jeopardize or threaten their relationship and eventual wedding.
Further, couples are not prone to turn to the church or the ministry for this kind of preparation. Pastors frequently complain, "Couples don't come to us until they're ready for us to conduct their wedding." Many couples simply do not expect or allow for any input from their pastor on the matter of their marital relationship. They think of the church only as a place for the ceremony, and of the pastor only as the one who somehow in that moment affixes God's seal of approval. In some cases it may be that the couple are willing to receive such help, but not from the pastor, because they feel they cannot trust him with such intimate matters. The most probable reason is that pastors have not generally seen the importance of the church's becoming closely involved with the private family lives of their people. Therefore we have not prepared for, neither cultivated an attitude of acceptance and appreciation of, this kind of ministry in our congregations.
Some overburdened pastors have tried to do marriage preparation and, encountering these obstacles, have despaired. The results, even when they have been able to get the couple to sit still for some premarital work, have often not seemed all that rewarding. The future is hopeful, though, for current studies and mounting evidence are providing valuable information on approaches that are effective. In addition, a clearer picture of the marriage scene is emerging; consequently the kind of ministry premarrieds need is becoming more evident.
Why Is preparation necessary?
Marriage is a transition point. Much study is being given to the phases of life and the change points that individuals encounter throughout their lifetimes. Students of these life-cycle stages have identified some built in, predictable crises that can and often do occur. Becoming married constitutes one of these transition points. We minister most effectively to couples when we alert them to the new experiences in their lives they are about to encounter. A marriage preparation program affords an excellent opportunity to do this.
Marriage is changing. Couples entering marriage today have considerably different expectations of it than has been the case in the past. Marriage is undergoing a change from the traditional style, characterized by a definite, authoritarian, hierarchical role structure, with specific duties and obligations, to what is known as companionship marriage, which is more equalitarian, democratic, and flexible in its role structure. Whereas external social pressures were a strong factor in holding the traditional marriage together, the companionship model depends much more on love and affection, intimate communication, and mutual interest for unity. Commitment is perceived differently—it is more to another individual than to the institution of marriage itself. In short, one does not marry and settle down, but one enters upon a lifelong work to achieve a mutually harmonious relationship. Marriage preparation gives couples an opportunity, in a nonproblem time, to consider carefully the model their marriage will follow.
Marriage requires skills. Learning how to be a husband or a wife and how to manage a relationship as intimate as marriage requires skills in what has been called interpersonal competency. These are special skills for achieving relational growth, in-depth communication, and conflict resolution. They are far more necessary in contemporary marriage than ever before. And they do not come naturally to us—they must be learned. If couples have not acquired these prior to engagement, they ought at least be afforded the opportunity of being exposed to them and developing as much proficiency as possible before marriage.
Christian marriage is waning. In many minds Christianity is allied with the traditional, hierarchical model of marriage. Hence, with the changes in marriage patterns, contemporary couples do not readily look to the church for guidance and authenticity for their marriage. The challenge to the church is to demonstrate that the Biblical concepts of marriage as covenant, one-flesh, mutual submission, servant-headship, unconditional love, spiritual gifts in the family, forgiveness, and reconciliation are not old-fashioned and outdated, but are in fact the real keys to fulfilled and lasting marriage. If marriage is to maintain its distinctive Christian characteristics, we in the church must make the effort to give these gospel principles contemporary expression, help couples understand their meaning, and give practical instruction as to how they can be integrated into their personal lives.
Three basic approaches
Ventures into the premarriage preparation field and studies conducted within the past decade are helping us to realize that the format followed in premarital work has a lot to do with how successful we will be. David Mace outlines three basic approaches to the task. 1 With the first of these, the "facts of life" approach, we are all familiar. This assumes that the primary need of the couple is for information and facts about the various aspects of married life and that the best way to communicate these is thorough advice-giving, information-sharing sessions of one type or another. Usually these are in a one-on-two setting, with the pastor and the couple alone.
This was the standard procedure I followed in my early ministry. Having had no training in this area and no model to follow, and with my priorities elsewhere, I would devote about two hours to each couple a week or so before the wedding, working out the details of the ceremony and then, in whatever time was left, sharing my philosophy and views on such things as family worship, the couples' relationship to the church, finances, and in-law relationships. I didn't have much to say about the whole matter of communication; I studiously avoided talking about conflict (and anything about which they might get into conflict in my presence right then) and hoped they wouldn't bring up the topic of sex!
On those occasions when a pastor could bring together more than one couple, a more sophisticated version of the one-on-two— the premarital lecture series—has frequently been the style used. Concerning these, David H. Olson states that, though well-conceived and presented, they have been found to produce little in terms of attitudinal change. A further negative of this style is that couples are frequently turned off rather than excited about the need and value of future marriage enrichment and counseling. 2
Others, writes Mace, do premarital counseling, working with the couple through specific difficulties in their relationship about which they have asked for help. Although the term has been loosely used for all approaches, strictly speaking it connotes the need for some kind of therapy or quasi-therapy to straighten out the couples' attitudes and thinking. As such it carries a certain stigma that repels many couples rather than encouraging them to engage in premarital preparation.
The third approach suggested by Mace (and the one he feels is most effective) is to help the couple to make a careful evaluation of themselves, of each other, and of their relationship. Some educational aspects may augment this and some counseling may grow out of it, but the central work is a discovery of themselves by the couple. This way of dealing with the couple builds on their usual willingness to invest in an understanding and enhancement of the relationship they are now enjoying, the dividends of which they will, of course, take with them into marriage. It can be carried out in such a way that the couple, who so often resist any kind of input from anyone during prewedding days, discover by themselves areas in which they are ignorant and unskilled or need advice and counsel. They may be stimulated to consider the deeper aspects of their relationship and develop a thirst for knowledge and skills that will meet their needs.
Happily a number of fine books, cassettes, workbooks, and other materials now exist from which the local pastor may draw to lead a couple into this kind of premarital exploration. The bibliography on page 20 suggests some of those that are available. Among these resources are several good inventories that lead a couple into a evaluation of themselves, each other, and their relationship. Although inventories differ in their style and comprehensiveness, the basic format is a questionnaire that may use a variety of methods of response (short written answers, multiple choice, agree or dis agree, rating) to a series of questions and/or statements. Topics generally include self-concept, love, communication, religious expectations, sex, finance, in-laws, anger and conflict, family planning, values, and goals. The inventory may be used unaided or in sessions with a pastor/counselor. Such an instrument frequently opens the way for important self-disclosure on the part of the prospective bride and groom and leads to a deepening (or in some cases a terminating) of their relationship.
Engaged couples also exhibit a willingness to learn from their peers. Consequently, opportunities to get together in group-sharing with other couples are helpful. Mace, Olson, and others also report that premarital couples can be trained in skills of communication, problem solving, and conflict resolution, and the results of such training carry over into marriage. 3 Such an innovative program is carried on by Edward Bader (assistant professor of family and community medicine at the University of Toronto) and his colleagues. Their Learning to Live Together course capitalizes on the fact that newlyweds are more receptive and teachable than premarrieds. Bader divides the program into two parts—the first part (covering communication, family backgrounds, finances, and sexuality) offered before marriage; the last part (changing roles in marriage, resolving conflicts, building a better relationship) six months to a year after the wedding. The format is small-group discussion based on videotapes. 4
What pastors can do
What can be done to interest couples and to elevate premarriage preparation as a priority item? Pastors can set a more receptive climate in the church through preaching, visiting, and informal conversation. They can encourage premarital work to be done in youth classes. Some thing positive could be done even in the children's classes to help set the stage for further preparation in the teen-age years. More needs to be done in the homes of the young people themselves; parents may need classes on how to prepare their children and youth for marriage. Over worked and busy pastors can utilize the spiritual gifts and professional training of members in the church who can take the leadership in marriage preparation for engaged couples. Pastors I talked with also felt that they needed to have closer relationships with the teens and young adults in their congregations, so that when these young men and women consider marriage there will be a natural tendency to look to the pastor for guidance.
All of this suggests that a pastor may shape the attitudes of his congregation not only toward premarriage preparation but also toward the whole matter of relation ships in the family, as well as in the church. Is he warm and friendly? Is he an intimate person with whom one could trust the delicate matters of the soul—its happiness and joys, as well as its doubts, conflicts, and perchance negative emotions? How much people feel they can trust him will directly affect whether or not they come to him for such things as premarital guidance and preparation and whether they follow his leading in the development and maintenance of relationships in their homes and marriages.
The pastor who can be "vulnerable" himself stands a good chance of leading premarital couples into the kind of experiences necessary for them to launch into marriage from a solid platform. By his willingness to be open, to love and accept unconditionally, the pastor gives a certain permission for the couple to do the same with each other. Having created for the couple such a climate before their marriage, the pastor paves the way for a relationship of confidence and trust between the couple and the church that will prove of inestimable value in sustain ing their marriage in the days ahead.
Notes:
1 David Mace, Getting Ready for Marriage (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1972), pp. 9, 10.
2 "How Effective Is Marriage Preparation?" Paper presented at the Toward Family Wellness Conference, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Oct. 18, 1981, pp. 5, 6.
3 Mace, "The Critical First Year," Marriage Enrichment---The Newsletter of the Association of Couples for Marriage Enrichment (Winston-Salem, November-December, 1978); Olson, op. tit., p. 7.
4 Edward Bader, Robert Riddle, and Carole Sinclair, "Do Marriage Preparation Programs Really Help? A Five-Year Study" (unpublished report presented at the annual meeting of the National Council on Family Relations, Milwaukee Wisconsin, Oct. 16, 1981).
