Fourteen widows and I sat around a table. During introductions a young widow began hesitatingly to relate her heartbreaking story. Within minutes all fourteen were weeping simultaneously, proof that here was an environment in which it was safe to express feelings of grief.
Since that November evening six years ago I have conducted forty Grief Recovery Seminars. More than eight hundred grieving persons have been supported by the five-week-group-therapy program and subsequent follow-up. The seminar format is deceptively simple. Through audiovisuals, group dynamics, didactics, and assignments, grieving persons are allowed to identify, own, and express their feelings about loss.
My ideas for Grief Recovery germinated as I began chaplain work in hospital psychiatric units. My informal surveys showed that 40 to 60 percent of the persons admitted were experiencing unresolved grief. I suspected that much of that pain could have been prevented, and that became my goal for Grief Recovery. For the content of the seminars I turned to the people who were actually experiencing grief. They were my textbooks. They opened their lives to me. We walked the painful valley of tears together. Grief Recovery, then, is the contribution of the hundreds of people who risked enough to hurt out loud.
Why Grief Recovery?
In spite of scores of books on death and dying there is still much uncertainty about grief: what it is like and how to deal with it. Dozens of overpowering emotions strike at once when one experiences a loss. The victims of these emotions go reeling into isolation and confusion. They sometimes doubt their own sanity. Caught between the need to talk and not knowing whom to talk to, they sink into helplessness and hopeless despair.
Many grieving people are consumed by anger. Religious people scold them. Pastors sometimes label such anger "sin." Others call it "abnormal." But judgmentalism does nothing to ease their angry feelings.
When I was visiting Haiti I met an American missionary who asked me to contact his sister in the United States. Within a six-month period the sister's baby had died and her husband divorced her. She was angry about her losses, but her church friends told her that she lacked a strong faith. So she stuffed her feelings down inside and wore a faith mask when she had to be around church people. At night she took the mask off and wept alone.
She came to Grief Recovery. There she met others who were experiencing the same feelings she had. She felt free to admit and express her anger, even her anger toward God. For the first time she realized that her emotions were normal and that expressing her feelings was therapeutic.
Today's fast-paced society has produced a condition of mobility and uprootedness. After several long-distance moves, families have very inadequate support systems. And when there are too few relationships to steady the grieving family, loss can strike at the very roots of family stability.
Grief Recovery provides a temporary support system. The steadying influence of the group facilitates healing and motivates the family to develop a permanent network of relationships. Some times members of the group become a part of that permanent network. Grief is active; the sooner it is done, the sooner will come the healing. This principle is the heart of Grief Recovery. Every issue of loss and grief is openly discussed. Every feeling is taken seriously, and the expression of every feeling is allowed. The weekly assignments and the group discussions help people to face actively the painful reality of loss.
Active grief work that is initiated during the five weekly sessions is sustained during the follow-up time, which lasts from twelve to eighteen months, depending on the individual's circumstances. When a group realizes that long-term support is guaranteed they are more willing to allow grief to happen. They become actively involved because they know that somebody will be there when the going gets rough. It really isn't fair to conduct a Grief Recovery seminar without plans to stay with the group over an extended period.
Grief frequently consists of a huge mass of unfocused fears. As long as the fears remain unfocused the grieving person will experience anxiety and con fusion. Left to himself the griever may be entwined in the mass of fears for an extended time and even become ill. During Grief Recovery a person hears specific fears and feelings identified in films and group interaction. Frequently I hear people in a group say, "That's it! You put your finger on it! That's what I've been feeling, but I've not been able to put it into words." Once a fear is isolated and identified it can be expressed and handled. It is no longer a part of the confusion.
When the pain of grief strikes it is very easy simply to withdraw as much as possible from life. As the result of pulling away from others at a time when support is so crucial, depression is often present. The group process has a built-in "CPR" mechanism that prevents withdrawal. By CPR I do not mean cardiopulmonary resuscitation. I refer to the resuscitation of the broken spirit. In Grief Recovery, CPR stands for the renewal of communication, participation, and relationships.
In a group where everyone is hurting and loss and pain are common denominators it is easier to communicate feelings and practical difficulties. Participation in group activities gives people the courage to try other ventures. Relationships are automatically enlarged by sharing one's time and oneself with a couple dozen people for five weeks. Getting out of the house becomes easier by the time Grief Recovery ends. Withdrawal is less likely to take over a person's life.
CPR in Grief Recovery occurs by the actual choice of a person with a broken spirit. The victim is fully conscious when it is being administered. He not only receives resuscitation, but also actively engages in revitalizing others in the group. This helps to take the focus off of self and renew the realization that there is still a purpose for life.
There are as many ways to grieve as there are people. Putting people into little psychological boxes called phases or stages is offensive to those who grieve. Allowing for these differences is a distinctive characteristic of Grief Recovery sessions. The person who does not care to express feelings is never made to feel out of place. The talkative person is never embarrassed. The group learns that incessant talking and silence are two different ways of reacting to a loss at a given time. Grief Recovery never uses harsh, confrontive techniques of group therapy to push people through grief. Respect for individual differences is developed in the group; tenderness and sensitivity are the terms that describe what occurs.
The grief support program being described in this series of articles is helpful because it sees grief as a healthy, normal process of bringing life back into focus again, as natural as a clear spring stream flowing down a mountainside, going on to larger things. Grief Recovery does not picture grief as illness. This would be erroneous, and it would dam up the grief and inhibit its flow.
Grief may be natural, but that doesn't mean it is simple or easy to experience. A professional counselor who sat through one of my lectures acted restless and bored. At the conclusion he said, "You seem to be cutting butter with a chain saw. I have yet to see the difficulties you pointed out. If you leave people alone they get over grief."
This gentleman had the philosophy that grief and the common cold are in one way alike. Ignore them and they'll go away. The problem is, this simply isn't true. The common cold can kill you if it is ignored. And grief can be devastating when adequate support is missing.
The alert pastor who provides group programs and one-to-one counseling for parishioners in grief will prevent unnecessary heartache for everyone concerned.
Preparation of the presenter
Conducting seminars for groups of grieving people is no small undertaking. Dealing with people during acute grief requires sensitivity, knowledge of human behavior, and skills in group dynamics. A pastor should not hastily begin such a program. I would suggest careful preparation as outlined in this section of the article.
Basic to all preparation is the examination of motives for conducting Grief Recovery. Some pastors have urged me to teach them how to conduct Grief Recovery Seminars because their recently learned church-growth skills tell them that people make decisions for God at a crisis point. Others feel that this program would give their church good coverage in the press. These motives are obviously unethical. Pastors who con duct Grief Recovery with these motives will not hide that fact very long. The program will die.
Helping people who grieve because they hurt and you love them is the most acceptable motive of all. At some point the Holy Spirit may be successful in leading a grieving person to God. The pastor's care and love may well be a factor in that relationship, and it would certainly be proper to praise God for that event. But the question that needs to be asked is "Would I make this effort to help grieving people even if I knew they would never decide to follow God's will?"
I suggest that the presenter study at least ten good books on the topic of grief, (The third article of this series includes a bibliography.) Taking a weekend intensive or a semester course on death and dying at a university would be advisable. Seminars on grief counseling are being offered in some larger cities.
A good preparation for dealing intensively with grieving persons is volunteer work with a local hospice. These medical-care programs for persons with life-threatening illnessess usually offer a fairly adequate training program. Working with one grieving family at a time gives a backlog of experience and confidence to approach a group.
The personal grief of the presenter must be resolved before he attempts the very taxing work of conducting Grief Recovery for a group. Dealing with a group of grieving persons is most difficult when personal grief is fresh. Preoccupation with his own acute grief would prevent the group leader from giving full attention to the pain of others.
The presenter must also be able to consider his personal mortality before conducting grief recovery groups. If this is not done the group's open expression of grief feelings will cause unbearable pain.
The potential presenter should develop skills in group dynamics. There are some well-written books on the topic, and becoming part of a growth group where group functions are learned firsthand would also be advisable.
My best preparation was talking to people who had been through a major loss at least six months earlier. After talking to ten or twelve such persons I was sensitized to the fears, feelings, and needs of grieving people. I continue to do personal interviews with people in grief. It keeps my tools sharp.
Anyone who works with grieving people needs to have a good support system. If this is not available the presenter may build a wall of aloofness that will reduce his effectiveness as a presenter. Aloofness is simply a defense mechanism that is built when the presenter has been touched by the pain of others over and over again without the chance to express that pain. Conducting Grief Recovery Seminars drains the presenter emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is necessary to have a balanced life style to avoid burnout.
These suggestions on preparation may sound overwhelming. That is not my intent. If the suggestions are implemented slowly over a reasonable length of time, rewards will be realized. With out this thorough preparation I could never have sustained my involvement in this program over the past six years.
Preparation of the community
By community I mean the public that you wish to serve. This may be your parish. It could be all the churches of a particular denomination within one city. Community can also be the entire populace. It is necessary to define your community before any promotion is done.
Once community is defined you are ready to determine whether Grief Recovery is needed in that community. This can be done by consulting the leading mental health agency or the information and referral service. These and other agencies probably have lists of available programs in your area. Contacting funeral directors and area clergy will be another good gauge of interest. The president of the area medical society may sense a need for such a program. If your community is your parish a survey of all the parishioners would be adequate.
After the need for the program is determined, prepare a brochure. If you are opening the program to the general public you will find distributing the brochures to such key places as funeral homes, libraries, hospitals, physicians' offices, and industrial complexes very helpful. Ask area clergy to insert an announcement of the program in their church bulletin or newsletter, as well.
About two weeks before Grief Recovery begins you may be able to get radio or TV time. I have usually been able to get time on community-calendar programs in both media. Newspaper coverage is indispensable. Some papers will welcome feature articles. Some will do nothing more than sell you ad space.
No program can be a success without public exposure of the presenter. I have spent many hours speaking to church, civic, and medical groups, high schools, and colleges, along with local nursing agencies and hospices. This has been time-consuming, but it has generated interest in the program. Eventually your public-relations agenda will become easier as satisfied participants steer new individuals into the program.
The screening process
Screening participants is a must in my estimation. I once conducted a program in a distant city. Because screening was not done, only 40 percent of the group were actually suffering from a recent loss. The other 60 percent were professionals who wanted to pick up skills and persons who wanted to prepare for a loss in the future. I will never make that mistake again.
To screen, be sure that your advertising requests preregistration by telephone. Tell callers that the program is designed for persons who have experienced a loss. Tactfully ask a caller what his loss is. If he has not had a loss, simply explain that you do not think it is fair to expose grieving persons to observation. Don't hesitate to do this. You must create an environment that is conducive to adequate grieving.
If the presenter cannot personally do the screening, somebody should be trained to do it thoroughly. For each participant the screener should record the name, address, telephone number, and the nature of the loss. Send a confirmation letter that includes the time, date, location, and directions.
Occasionally a caller will be having a very difficult time with grief. It may be a week or more before the program begins. When I sense urgency in the person's voice I invite him to see me personally before the program begins. This often releases a lot of pressure and prepares him for the dynamics of the group.
When all the preparation is done and you are ready to welcome your first Grief Recovery group you will be a bit nervous. This is healthy. Recognizing your own weakness will cause you to rely more completely upon the strength of God. Ask for that strength and then trust God to heal the brokenness of those who attend.
(The next part in this series will describe in detail each of the five sessions of a Grief Recovery Seminar.)
