At the close of our honeymoon, my new husband and I stopped to visit his elderly uncle and aunt. It was my first time to meet these delightful relatives. The words the uncle spoke as we were leaving I'll remember always. "Your opinions won't always be the same," he said. "You'll have different ways of doing things, and life may get a little rough at times. But please don't both of you get angry at the same time!'' What words of wisdom! Problems will arise, yes. As long as human beings live together in a. sinful world there will be disagreements, but everything depends on the spirit in which these problems are handled.
In today's complex world, father, mother, and children are working or caught up in so many programs and overloaded schedules that they have little time to interact, much less to understand one another and learn how to work together as a family team. The minister's family is no exception; the pastor and his wife are not immune to misunderstandings. However, the problem is not in disagreeing, but in how we handle these disagreements.
Our writer this month, Anne Elver, outlines helpful tips for maintaining and/or restoring peaceful marital relationships. As we approach this new year with new resolutions let's not fear disagreements. Let's determine how to handle them! —Marie Spangler.
"Any prayer requests today?" I asked the women in the prayer group that I led.
Betty's hand went up promptly. "Bill and I had an argument before he left for work today. I made some cutting, angry remarks as he left the house. Please pray that I can control my temper better. I want to be a good witness for the Lord before Bill, and my ugly temper isn't a bit of help."
Donna made a similar request. She asked us to pray that she would control her words better when she and Joe disagreed. I was pleased to see our church ladies so open and honest. They trusted one another enough to reveal their faults.
"Donna and Betty, we will pray for you now, and we'll pray for you all this week," I encouraged. "I remember how bad I felt the last time my husband and I got into a spat," I added. (My husband pastors the church that the ladies in my prayer group attended.)
Teressa, the only unmarried member of the group, turned toward me with a startled look on her face. She sat there looking more fidgety by the minute.
"Teressa, is everything OK?" I asked.
"Oh, I don't know." She hesitated. "I would be horrified if I thought Jeff and I would ever argue when we get married. We don't argue now, and I hope we don't start. I'm surprised that you have arguments with your husband."
"Don't worry, dear," an elderly woman interrupted. "You will have marital spats and you will survive them. Anne is human, and two humans living together are bound to disagree. A pastor's wife is not immune to marital disagreements."
I thought over Teressa's comments while driving home. I wished I could easily dismiss them as immature and idealistic, but I couldn't. Mrs. Lowry, the neighbor who lived in the brick house behind my home, once told me, "We've been married thirty-three years and never had a cross word." Mrs. Lowry's statement had always made me wonder whether she was telling the truth.
A marriage without cross words may be possible if one partner completely stifles any difference of opinion with the other. A union of two people who both possess an extraordinary measure of self-control might be free of cross words also. And spats are nonexistent if there is no communication. My grandparents were a good example of this. I never saw them quarrel, but they did not have many pleasant words, either. Their marriage wasn't an open, ongoing relationship.
Occasional spats, it seems to me, are a small price to pay for a growing relation ship between husband and wife. Consider what took place between Harry and me some years ago. Our conversation went something like this:
"Don't forget, we are taking the kids to the park this afternoon," I said as I washed the lunch dishes one weekend.
"I can't go today. I promised Joe that I would help him mix cement and patch his driveway. I'm leaving in a few minutes," he answered.
I bristled. "Well"—putting as much sarcasm as I could into my voice—"it's a good thing I didn't tell the kids we were going to the park. All you want to do on your day off is putter around with our church members. Go on over to Joe's and don't worry about your family one little bit."
"What's eating you? I didn't know of any plans to go to the park today. We said that sometime in the next few weeks we would go. Joe needs help today, and we can take the kids to the park anytime. I wish you would tell me what you want for once. You never do," he snapped.
"That's just like a man," I retorted, getting angrier yet. I left the kitchen, went to the living room, and sat down on the sofa, pouting.
Harry followed. "I'm sorry I answered you harshly," he said, taking my hand as he sat down beside me. "Will you forgive me?"
We made up, then calmly worked out a compromise on our conflict. Harry helped Joe that afternoon, and we took the kids to the park Monday afternoon.
Does our quarrel sound familiar? Minor misunderstandings—the kind that happen every day—can lead to squabbles like the one just described. And pastors' marriages seem especially vulnerable. But take heart, pastor's mate. Minor arguments are not a disaster when you handle them well. My pastor-husband and I have learned some tips that keep the peace or restore it quickly.
1. Communicate as completely as possible to prevent misunderstandings that may lead to quarrels. The spat I just described occurred because of a lack of communication. Several days earlier we had talked about visiting the park. I had suggested that we go Saturday afternoon, and Harry's answer was "Maybe we can."
I assumed that Harry meant yes, while he assumed that we were both trying to think of a convenient time for us to go. Neither of us knew the other's assumption.
Arguments are spawned when we don't communicate thoroughly. Now we often say, "Please explain what you mean." It prevents many communication breakdowns that may lead to unnecessary quarrels.
2. Restrict your comments to the subject at hand. Notice that I brought up Harry's helping others in our heated exchange. This led quickly to our arguing. My bringing up something unrelated to visiting the park added fuel to the anger already smoldering.
My friend Sally knows how important it is to keep one's comments on the subject. She says, "When I first came to the Lord, I resented my husband's being an unbeliever. I lost no opportunity to remind him that I was different. I interjected my relationship to the Lord into arguments on totally unrelated matters. We quarreled a lot in those days.
"Then the Lord led me to see that I had to make a deliberate effort to stop what I was doing. My husband still isn't a believer, but I don't throw it in his face anymore. I mention my life as a Christian only if he asks about it or if it is relevant to what we are discussing. This prevents a lot of arguments. I wish I had learned this principle a lot sooner."
Bringing up a subject other than the one at hand is useless. When we focus our discussion on our disagreements, we get them settled more quickly.
3. Beware lest your disagreements degenerate into sessions in which you vent your emotions in destructive ways. After Harry and I argued about going to the park we had to ask the Lord's forgiveness. The Lord then showed me that part of my problem was that I liked to maintain control over our activities on Saturdays, since Sundays are so busy for our family. Harry's plans that day didn't allow me to do this, and I got angry. Before I spoke I should have taken a few moments to analyze why I felt angry.
Emotionally charged words seldom edify, and they do have the power to hurt. If we can, Harry and I now let a discussion wait until our emotions have cooled.
4. Speak only the truth. Notice that Harry and I used words that are absolutes. I said that all he wanted to do on his day off was to putter around with someone else; he accused me of never telling him what I wanted. Neither statement was true. Words like never and absolutely arouse defensiveness in others.
5. Don't attack your partner's character. Donna backed her car into a fence one day, and the bent fender upset her husband, Bill. He lashed out, "You are a careless person. Why can't you be careful?" Donna defended herself, and they quarreled.
Bill would have been less likely to provoke an argument if he had concentrated on what happened rather than on his wife's character. Bill isn't unusual, for we often make statements in anger that tear at a person's primary qualities. Harry and I try to deal only with the issue when one of us is upset—not with each other's character.
6. Remember, marital spats can polish your character. The day we had the quarrel I described, I asked the Lord to show me why I had acted so petulantly. He showed me that I had a tendency to try to maintain control over our Saturday activities and that I tried to manipulate the family into conforming to my wishes. I thanked the Lord for showing me my manipulative nature. Then I asked Him to cleanse me of that tendency, and He has given me victory over it.
My marriage to an imperfect man opened new areas of my personality for the Lord's refining fire to purge. This is part of my heavenly Father's design. Even Jesus lived in a human family with the little areas of friction that such a situation involves. This knowledge prevents me from taking marital spats too seriously and helps me accept whatever is necessary for the development of my character.
The couple who learn to handle disagreements wisely need not fear them or avoid them. Carefully managed dis agreements offer a possibility for spiritual growth in both partners. And the more growth a couple share, the stronger their marital union is.
A pastor's healthy marriage is a testimony to his congregation that the gospel he preaches works. A pastor and spouse who learn to handle differences of opinion wisely are blessed. An occasional spat is a small price to pay for an honest, open marriage.
