Can a pastor have friends?

Can a pastor find friends? Pastors certainly face real obstacles in developing friend ships, obstacles ranging from simple strategic problems to hazards threatening one's profession. For example, the geographical distance that separates longtime friends from one another may discourage their getting together. Even when distance is not a problem, busyness often keeps a pastor from his intentions to take time for casual activities.

Then there is the fear many pastors have that close friendships with their own church members might ignite jealousy and divide the church. And being too open about one's personal life could threaten the image and position of the pastor as a leader. Often pastors are also concerned about confidentiality. This can certainly restrict the freedom of a friendship. And pastors report that relationships with some types of people are difficult to maintain because the parties have different beliefs, values, and needs.¹ On top of all this, the problem of frequent moving casts its aura of temporariness about the relationships that do develop.

With such obstacles confronting us, can we as pastors find friends? To some degree the answer depends upon how much we want friends. Sometimes we give in too easily to what we variously think of as our fate or our calling to the sacrificial loneliness of leadership, and we retreat to our only unfailing Friend—the Lord Jesus Christ.

Hopefully Jesus is our best friend. If not, we should respond to His overtures to us. He has promised to be with us always, "right to the close of the age" (Matt. 28:20, RSV). He has invited us to His throne to "receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Heb. 4:16, RSV). Here we find a very practical application of the sanctuary doctrine! It can be said of us as it was of Abraham, "He was called the friend of God" (James 2:23, RSV).

But God created mankind to have relationships on the human level, also. If a pastor is to find friends, he must value friendship. He must be convinced that it is part of God's plan for his life. I believe it is. The very relationship of the members of the Godhead serves as a pattern for human relationships. ² Being made in the image of God means that we seek to belong, to be in unity with others, to interact. Friendship is one way of providing for these needs—needs from which ministers are not exempt.

Furthermore, God has chosen to use people to help other people. The priesthood of all believers does not mean that each church member serves only himself. Rather, it suggests that we are all ministers unto one another, interdependent in the corporate body.

Note the example of Elijah. God ministered to him directly by sending the ravens to feed him, but God also ministered to him through the woman of Zarephath (1 Kings 17). When he feared Jezebel and supposed that he was the only one still faithful, God helped him directly by sending an angel to feed him in the wilderness and by speaking to him in a still small voice. But God also told him that there were still 7,000 faithful in Israel. Isolation had distorted Elijah's perspective, and he had become discouraged. God helped him thereafter by giving him a constant companion, Elisha, who "ministered to him" (1 Kings 19:21, RSV).

A number of times Paul expressed appreciation for his companions (e.g., Phil. 2:25; Philemon 10, 13; 2 Cor. 7:6; Col. 4:14). Jesus also appears to have had special relationships among His disciples. He was especially close to Peter, James, and John, and may have even had something like a best friend in the beloved disciple (Matt. 17:1; 26:37; John 13:23; 19:26; 20:2). ³

Friendship benefits us

Friendship provides a number of benefits vitally important to pastors, as well as to other people. According to one sample, ⁴ ministers valued friendships because they received from them personal affirmation and encouragement. These strengthen the inner being and enable pastors to be more effective in the challenges of their work. They saw friendships as providing a link with other people in a context of trust, thus counteracting isolation and loneliness. They valued friends for intellectual and professional stimulation, for self-disclosure, and for the mutuality of exchange. People who are friends make themselves available to each other, share activities with each other, and help each other with practical needs. And friendships help one develop a more realistic view of himself and of his personal limitations.

Once a pastor said to me, "But I'm around people all the time. I don't need people; I need peace." That may be very true. Individuals have different needs. Some are people persons who thrive on many close relationships. Others prefer fewer contacts and find strength in periods of solitude. These differences are a part of the variety of God's creation. But one can be constantly involved with people and yet be in need of friends. This is one symptom of burnout. As peoplehelpers, pastors may be so constantly giving to others that they neglect the relationships where sharing and receiving are more prominent.

In terms of the family, a model that both Paul and John used (e.g., 1 Thess. 2:11; 1 John 2:12-14), every pastor needs three types of relationships: parent, brother or sister, and child. 5 From a parent, a person usually receives more than he gives. Brothers and sisters reciprocate in relative equality. And with a child, a person usually gives more than he receives. A minister has many relationships in which he does most of the giving. These relationships are desirable; they contribute to his satisfaction. But he also needs the relationship in which he can receive help, as from a pastoral "parent." And he needs many pastoral "brothers" and "sisters" with whom he can share mutual concerns and who minister to each other.

If a minister really values friendships and desires friends, he will need to set priorities that allow appropriate time for developing these relationships. He will not give in too quickly when he meets obstacles to ministerial friendships, but will creatively diminish some of the roadblocks' force. Perhaps most important, he will be willing to disclose himself to others and share a mutual relationship.

Nevertheless, we must take the obstacles seriously, for they can be very real. For this reason I would like to suggest another principle. If a pastor is to have satisfying friendships, he must recognize that each will be unique. Friendships with one category of people will contribute to his needs in certain ways but not in others. For instance, a friendship with a church member probably cannot contribute the same benefits as a friendship with a fellow pastor. In fact, the minister may find his friend ships causing him difficulties if he treats every friend like a "full service" friend. ⁶

Can you have friends within your own church?

Can a pastor find friends in his own church? I've been told I could never develop close friendships among my church members because it would cause trouble. It can be a problem. How serious a problem depends upon the mind-set of the church and the degree to which the pastor is placed upon a pedestal above and apart from the membership. The degree of conflict that exists in the church and the way the pastor and his family conduct the friendships also determine whether or to what extent pastoral friendships within the church become problems.

I have pastored churches where an atmosphere of mutuality prevailed, where the members accepted the humanity of the minister but still respected his role in leadership. In an atmosphere like this, the pastor can self-disclose a little more freely and be the beneficiary of ministry, as well as the bestower of ministry. Perhaps contradictory advice is so often given on this issue because not every church has such an atmosphere.

The pastoral pedestal—the projection of unrealistic qualities and exaggerated status upon the pastor—carries with it some inherent problems. It pressures the pastor to be perfect even though he knows he has human weaknesses. This discrepancy often leads to his wearing a facade, to his being unrealistic, and to his denying his limitations. It may fuel within him feelings of inadequacy, poor self-image, hypocrisy, or the fear of being discovered. The pedestal also places pressures upon the pastor's wife and family. It is one of the things primarily responsible for distancing the pastor from the people.

In correcting this problem, we should not seek raw exposure of the pastor, but realistic acceptance of each other so that mutual ministry between pastor and laity can take place. Pastors sometimes leap from the pedestal only to find themselves in a pool of crocodiles. ⁷ Emory Griffin illustrated a better way to encourage this realistic understanding between members and ministry: "Picture two turtles—face-to-face—with their heads almost completely hidden. One turtle extends his neck just a bit. If the other turtle responds in kind, then the first one ventures out some more. In a series of minute movements the first turtle ends up with his head in the sunshine, but only if his counterpart follows his lead. At any time he's prepared to slow the progression, come to a complete stop, or even back off." ⁸

In other words, we must start with the mind-set that exists in our church. Gently, slowly, we encourage some new thinking. We will obtain greater success if self-disclosure is not a solo act. If the congregation responds to our initial venture, we can move a little further ahead—testing, probing, sensing.

A pastor and his family are naturally drawn into closer friendships with certain families in the congregation simply because of common interests, similar experiences in child-raising, or whatever. These feelings need not be entirely squelched as long as the pastor and his family observe certain guidelines of discreetness. They must maintain clear boundaries between friendship and ministry. Problems develop when these boundaries are casually and carelessly observed. In his official capacity, the minister must serve all his church members equally. He should play no favorites, whether in visitation, in favors on the church board, or in any other church function. Nor should he rely upon friendships to get things done in the congregation. He will want to convey openness and fairness with all the members. But outside the institutional context of the church—during the pas tor's personal time—some friendships may develop. Though he should not hide these relationships, they generally should have low visibility. The pastor should seek to avoid misunderstanding by being discreet in how he conducts these friendships.

Church elders comprise one source of friends that usually escapes criticism. To my understanding, the New Testament indicates that we are colleagues in ministry, commissioned to do generally the same kind of work. I like to convey to the church that the elders are fellow ministers with me. If that is true, a close association is legitimate. We are supposed to work together. Cultivating friendships with the elders can provide a great blessing and a "safe" blessing. Difference in age does not necessarily raise barriers. As a young pastor I enjoyed warm friendships with several of my elders. One in particular became very much of a mentor to me.

In spite of successes in developing friendships among church members, limitations will still exist. For the sake of confidentiality, certain things cannot be revealed. Since they are not full-time ministers, sharing some perspectives might be difficult. Self-disclosure should have appropriate limits. These relationships cannot be full-service friendships. Yet they can be very satisfying and can definitely help to meet the pastor's needs. They are worth the effort the obstacles they pose sometimes require. But the pastor needs other friendships besides those from his congregation.

Fellow pastors as friends

One of the richest kinds of friendships is that with a "brother" pastor. It may be a friend from seminary days or a colleague in a nearby district. What a joy it is to laugh together, to share perspectives, concerns, and experiences that you both understand! Though distance may at times limit these contacts, it is worth the effort to keep in touch, to make an occasional visit, to write, to call. At one time in my ministry I enjoyed the privilege of a monthly get-together with several pastors for study, sharing, and recreation even though I had to drive 100 miles to get there. We can diminish the obstacles to a friendship if we really value it. Yet inevitable limitations mean that even these relationships cannot completely meet our needs. We need some friends who are close by.

The clergy within our own community can be a source of many rewarding friendships. Despite differences in theology and practice, we have a great commonality in what we experience in the practice of ministry. I have always found within the local ministerial association several persons who were particularly friendly and who helped to satisfy my need for friends.

Spouse as friend

One more source of friendship that a pastor usually either overlooks or over uses is his spouse. As in any marriage relationship, a pastor should be a friend of his partner, as well as being a cohabitant. And the friendship element will make the marriage strong. But although a pastor and his wife live together and carry out their duties to each other, he may be so busy that he neglects to take the time to communicate, to share ideas, plans, time off, and recreation together. Both mutual affirmation and self-disclosure are easily neglected. Many ministers' wives are frustrated by this neglect. Friendship with one's spouse can be the most nearly complete friendship.

A caution should be noted, however, lest the pastor expect too much of this friendship. Some, in retreat from the obstacles to other friendships, turn to their wives for all their needs. One man told me, "My wife is the only one I can really talk to." This places a tremendous burden upon the wife, who probably does not have as much professional training for ministry as the husband-pastor, yet whom he has made his only support person. This is not really fair to her. Not even a spouse can provide a full-service friendship in the sense of meeting every need. (And just as men need the friendship of others in addition to that of their wives, we must also remember that women need friends other than their husbands—women friends who can meet needs that men cannot meet.)

Can a pastor find friends? Yes, if he values friendships, if he places some effort into diminishing the obstacles that may exist, and if he is willing to venture beyond the familiar. Partaking of the fruits of friendship from a variety of sources enables social health. It reduces the pressure to make any single friend ship meet all one's needs.

Friendship is worth the effort. "Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." ⁹

Clarence Macartney built his best known sermon, "Come Before Winter," ¹⁰ upon the bond of friendship that existed between Paul and Timothy, describing their friendship as being welded by the "hammer of adversity . . . into an indissoluble amalgamation." In that sermon he urged his hearers not to neglect those "voices of friendship and affection" that came their way. As we today hear such voices, it is our privilege to respond.