She's mother, she's counselor, she's church leader, she's chaperon. She's an instant hostess, she's a telephone answering service. She's number two, so she tries harder. She is the youth pastor's wife, and she experiences unique pressures and responsibilities in her role.
Youth pastors' wives differ as much as the men to whom they are married. Some have husbands who, until they are ready and able to assume pastorates on their own, are working with young people. Others' husbands are "associate pastors" and find that they not only minister to the young people but also run the bus, educational, and visitation programs.
Whether married to "temporary" youth pastors or men who are called to work with young people forever, the wives of youth pastors share some common joys and problems. It takes a special quality to work with young people—to love them through their awkwardness, rebuke them for their rebelliousness, and lead them to spiritual maturity. Special qualities are also demanded of the youth pastor's wife if she is to survive some unique dilemmas.
I am a youth pastor's wife. I have held this honored title for five years. There have been days when I would have changed places willingly with the wife of a bank president, but I would not forfeit my husband. He is a wonderful youth pastor, one who really loves kids and has the unique ability to let them know it. Over the years I have seen young people gain direction in their lives and grow to love the Lord through his and, in a small way, through my own ministry.
What is your role?
Many women whose husbands are youth pastors face a sort of identity crisis. Exactly what is the wife's role in youth work? Does God call a woman to youth work in the same way He calls a man? Although many would disagree with me, I do not think so. I believe that God calls a man to a ministry, and a woman to a man. If it is God's will for a woman to remain single, then He may direct her to a full-time ministry such as youth work. But if a woman is married, it is a matter of course that her first priority is her home—her husband and her children.
Before we had children I was very active in my husband's work. I served as a counselor in a girls' cabin at our annual camp, taught seminars and classes, ran "girls only" activities, and directed our department's singing group. When our daughter arrived I curtailed my activities sharply. Now I do not take a leadership role in so many areas, but I still try to attend most youth activities. It is important for our young people to see my husband and me together because all too often we are the only example of a Christian family they have.
Paula Walker, another youth pastor's wife, shares my opinion. "My priorities are God, husband, children, and home," she says. "Then follow the youth ministry, the church, and my neighbors."
Paula has three boys, and another child on the way. She runs her home efficiently, like "a small business of which my husband is the supervisor and I'm the manager." She opens her home weekly to 90 senior-high kids, who crowd into her den to share food, fellowship, and fun. The Walker children love being around the young people. "My kids get to see what their daddy does," smiles Paula. "I think that's great!"
Paula also thinks it is refreshing to be around young people and see life through their eyes, but she has experienced some difficulties in being a youth pastor's wife. "The hardest thing for me was that I put too much pressure on myself. I tried to outdo everyone else and thought that I was expected to be involved in everything. In a large church, that's a lot." Paula learned that she could not be effective at anything if she tried to do everything. Since that time she has backed off from several church activities and tries to remember that she is not indispensable.
Jane Randlett has been involved with her husband in youth ministry for 19 years. Her situation is unusual: her church has 21,000 members and more than 70 pastoral staff members, including 10 other youth pastors. She and her husband work with college and career young people at the church and 6,000 students at a local college. Jane believes that her husband's calling "is also my calling and that the rewards he gains I also have a part in. There have been times that I have had to deal with recognizing that Doug has a 24-hour job, which means there are no set hours for work. But we've worked it out so that I don't feel cheated. He gives me the time that I need, and he gives our boys the time that they need. We resolved that issue a long time ago, but it was the major frustration I felt in the ministry."
Finding family time
Many times wives of youth pastors bemoan the lack of family time. I have often heard of marriages breaking up over this one issue, but it does not have to happen. I know.
Before I married my husband, I admired his ministry tremendously. In fact, I was attracted to him because I knew that anyone with such rapport with kids must have something special. As we dated we worked together in the youth department, and when we were married the junior-high choir provided our wedding music. Our reception teemed with so many young people that the food vanished in minutes.
Then I learned how exasperating the ministry can be. Two 12-year-old girls who had latched onto my husband either as a father figure or because of an adolescent crush telephoned him every night without fail. He would talk for an hour to each of them. They also sat with us in church, buzzed around my husband at every activity, and wrote him long notes. They adored him and consistently ignored me. If being snubbed by a junior-higher is not the greatest humiliation, it comes close!
I tried to talk to my husband and explain how neglected I felt, but my explanations didn't make sense. Yes, I knew that I had married a minister. No, I didn't expect him to be home every night. Yes, I was glad when kids liked him. But was it always going to be like this?
I felt that something was wrong with me. Indeed, the longer it went on, the more bitter I became. I found it hard even to be civil to anyone under the age of 18, started sneaking the phone off the hook, and moped while I sat in church with my husband and his gang of kids. I thought I wasn't being understanding, that maybe I had a selfish spirit; I prayed, "Lord, change me!" and finally resigned myself to a lifetime of misery.
Fortunately, our problem was resolved before our first anniversary. A friend spoke to my husband and pointed out that there are limits to what a youth pastor should do.
And then my husband and I had a long talk. We both had to bend. My husband realized how the youth ministry had been infringing upon our home life. There had been little family time and no time that I could feel that my husband was exclusively mine. He began to refuse long telephone calls at home; he either answered the young person's question directly or said, "Please call me at the office tomorrow if you just want to talk." In turn, I had to get over my outright dislike of the kids who demanded my husband's attention most, make allowances for some emergencies, and learn how to open my home to young people graciously.
It took some time, but the results were wonderful. Resentment gone, I again found the kids fun to be around. Instead of cutting my husband's time with kids, we actually expanded it. Our family time now includes exciting Little League games—I'm married to the coach. (We've met many new prospects for our youth department through Little League.) And my husband has cut back on one-to-one counseling sessions, which necessarily restricted him to a limited number of young people. Now, because he does not seem too busy or involved to talk, more kids are opening up to him.
Maturity in our marriage has helped too. I don't feel the pressures to have my husband with me as much as possible that a new bride feels. I am happy to see him doing what he loves to do and glad that I can help him do it.
Saving your home
Most youth groups would rather have Bible study meetings in a warm home atmosphere than in the impersonal church fellowship hall. But good manners do not come as standard equipment on most kids. "Once when we opened our home, the kids even went through our medicine cabinet to find out what colognes we wore," one wife related. "I spend hours decorating and cleaning my home, and I hate to have kids come in and ruin it."
There is no doubt that kids will put mileage on your house. My foyer carpet is irrevocably stained with orange Virginia clay from youth meetings, but I have learned how to deal with the monthly invasion. First, design one room that is kidproof. This is not the room for valuable furniture, collectibles, or sensitive equipment. It's a place for dark carpet, games, a sturdy stereo, and furniture made of cushions and two-by-fours. An old Ping-Pong table salvaged from a garage sale can be a valuable asset.
Next, select the entrance closest to that room and have all kids enter through that door only. Declare the rest of the house off-limits. If you're serving food, take it to the kids—don't have them come to the kitchen. Put paper cups and a pitcher of water in your meeting room. And it certainly helps if you can have your meeting room near a bathroom. That's sure to be the busiest room in the house.
Another problem that a youth pastor's wife often encounters is the "number two" complex. Your husband may be number one in your eyes, but in the eyes of the church he will not be quite as important as the senior pastor. The church will not remember his birthday or your anniversary or buy you a car for Christmas, but you must remember that your husband has the responsibility for young lives in their most vulnerable years. While the average church still allots only 8 percent of its budget to youth work, 96 percent of people who accept Christ do so before the age of 20.
It is very likely that your husband's work may be virtually unnoticed or downgraded by those who see youth work as baby-sitting. But though the youth pastor's work may be unsung, his victories unnoticed, and his salary small, he is serving in an important post, and the years to come will reveal how well he did his job. The investment the youth pastor and his wife make is an invisible investment that takes years to mature and grow, but it will ultimately flourish in a generation of godly young adults.
