She was a quiet, unassuming lady, that minister's wife. As I remember, she was not a public speaker or a musician. In fact, I don't remember seeing her up front in any leadership role. I have wondered many times why she stood out in my mind above all the other clergy wives I have known. Her influence during my early teenage years inspired me to want to be a minister's wife.
She was the wife of a very successful evangelist. Even though she had what one might call a backstage role, still she was very much a part of the team. She was always there, unobtrusive, but lending her influence and support.
She was the epitome of friendliness, but not aggressive or gushy. While she had a special dignity, she was kind to everyone.
She was a graduate nurse, but I didn't know of her working away from home. She and her husband had two lively little boys, and she kept them in tow while he preached, sang, and conversed with people. She was obviously of the old school, not a women's liberation advocate.
This evangelist's wife was not a plain woman. She was a very attractive lady, but her appearance was always tasteful and in harmony with her role. She did not draw attention to herself. She was obviously conscious of her public image and the influence it had on others.
It was evident to anyone who knew them that her husband—handsome, successful, and immensely popular—had eyes for her alone, and that her commitment was to her marriage and her husband's calling. Most of all, one knew that this was one minister's family who lived very close to the Lord. The inspiration they carried with them was the power behind their success.
They are retired now, but their ministry goes on through their two sons, who have followed their example. That shared ministry is still productive.
Examples—good and bad
During the years my husband ministered, both in pastoral and administrative responsibilities, I became acquainted with many ministers' wives. Some were leaders in their own right and took important responsibilities. Some seemed to have little interest in their husbands' career and literally "did their own thing." Some had careers of their own. Some worked outside their homes to help educate their children, and some of these managed to make this contribution and still fill their role as ministers' wives. Others found deep fulfillment in simply helping their husbands to live up to the sacred calling of the ministry and, in fact, considered that calling their own.
A few made themselves too obvious, had too much to say, made their hus bands' lot difficult by interfering in church business, and aroused the resentment of church members. Long after she had moved on, people were still telling stories about one such woman I knew. She would go to young people in the audience and correct what she considered improper behavior. I was told that if her husband preached past twelve o'clock, she would remove her watch and hold it up for him and all to see! Or if he was telling a story and she disagreed with some detail, she would interrupt the sermon and correct him. It wasn't hard for those who knew them to understand why that poor man had a nervous breakdown! While this is an extreme example of a wife who didn't know her place, there have been others who committed this "sin" in lesser ways.
One wife seldom came to church functions and almost never to prayer meet ing. It is said that prayer meeting is a thermometer of the spiritual life of the church. If a minister's wife does not consider it a priority, how discouraging it must be for him to try to inspire the rest of his members.
In contrast was the pastor's wife who attended every church function, barring illness or some other emergency. She was there to welcome the people, to seek out those with special needs, to bring life and warmth into the gatherings. True, she played a supportive role, but such an important one.
A few ministers' wives, unfortunately, have indulged in the sin of gossip. A lot of information—confidences from those with problems—comes to the minister's home. People have a right to expect that information given to a minister or his wife will go no further. The minister himself needs a sympathetic ear some times. He needs to know that "the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her." A supportive wife knows how to control her tongue.
I remember a pastor's wife who told me about "this exclusive dress shop" where she often bought her clothes. When she mentioned the price of the new coat she had just purchased at a "fantastic bar gain," I was shocked. Never in my life had I considered paying a price like that for a coat. "She lets me buy on credit," she confided. Later in our conversation she told me about the new furniture they had recently purchased, also on credit. Of course, she found it necessary to get a job to meet the monthly payments. I had an uneasy feeling while we visited. It seemed that her interests were on things rather than on her husband's calling. Family finances are a source of conflict in many marriages, but overspending can be the undoing of a minister. A supportive wife will learn to live within the family income, even if it means a drastic change from the lifestyle she's been used to.
Meeting challenges
At a gathering for the clergy, a special meeting was held for wives. Those present divided into groups of four or five to discuss certain problem areas that min isters' wives face. The remarks of one of the younger women disturbed me. She said, "Too much is expected of us! No matter what we do, all we get is criticism!" Something was desperately wrong there. Why did she have such a defensive, resentful attitude? Further listening made it evident to me that this girl was not happy in her role. She did not share her husband's sense of calling. She wanted him to do some other kind of work. I dare say sooner or later she got her wish. Very few men can continue as ministers when their wives take a negative attitude toward their work.
I wanted to tell that young woman that I have never found people ready to pounce on the minister's wife. In fact, I believe most members really want to love their pastor's wife. However, it is up to her to make the first move—to reach out a friendly hand, to lend a sympathizing ear, to show a welcoming smile, to create an air of warmth and love in the church. She can do more than anyone else in the church to create an atmosphere to which people will respond positively. Seeking out even the most unapproachable and making a friend is an interesting challenge. A supportive wife realizes her special position and complements her hus band, making his job easier.
We know a "ministerial pair" who are just that. I can hardly picture them separately. I have never known a pastor's wife who is more wholeheartedly dedicated to her husband's calling. Upon reflection, I realize that what motivates her involve ment is her love of her Lord and her concern for lost souls. She is tireless in her work for people. On Sabbath her table is surrounded by visitors, new converts, the discouraged, anyone who needs the warmth of their friendship. It isn't surprising that her husband has been an extremely successful soul winner. He has a wife who is completely supportive.
During our years in the mission field I learned that missionaries sometimes need a special kind of support. Ministers called to overseas service are often in administrative work that demands travel away from home. It isn't easy to be left home for weeks on end. I remember one couple who went back to their homeland early. Every time he left on an itinerary, he left his wife in tears. Her discontent and unhappiness eventually drove him to ask for a permanent return.
"I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" is a good verse for a missionary's wife. It means learning to carry on alone, assuming responsibility for the family in her hus band's absence, sometimes even facing dangers alone. But the faithful missionary wife learns to depend on God, to sense the importance of her role as a supportive wife, to give her husband the assurance that while he is facing the hard ships of the journey, she is keeping the home fires burning. Again, "the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her."
It takes a special kind of man to be a successful minister. He must give of him self continually. He expends a tremendous amount of emotional energy just in delivering his Sabbath sermon. Some time and somewhere he must be refueled. Fortunate is the man who knows that he will find a source of new energy and encouragement at home; who can look for ward eagerly to going home to a wife who understands his needs, who appreciates the sacredness of his calling, and who gives him her unqualified support.
In the final analysis, it is her personal relationship with her heavenly Father that will qualify her for this sacred role. She cannot fake it or slavishly do her duty. The support she gives must be genuine, born of her love of her man and her God. Her personal relationship to her Lord will be the greatest inspiration to her husband, and this same devotion will help her to make her home a refuge for her husband and her children.
