Good for nothing

I've often chuckled over the old story about the minister's wife who was heard to say, "My husband is paid to be good. But as for me, I am good for nothing!"

My training as a minister's wife started early. As a child I visited the pastor's home with my family. The pastor's wife gave my sister and me each an apple to chew on.

We were sitting in the lounge on the spotless couch when a crisis arose. We both reached our apple cores simultaneously. To two timid little migrant girls like us, this held the potential for a major catastrophe.

My sister surreptitiously stuffed hers down the side of the cushion. But I was too busy staring at the aging brownness of the revolting mess that my core had be come to notice her clever trick. I assumed she had eaten it.

To avoid embarrassment, I stoically shoved the apple core into my mouth. It was as unwelcome as sandpaper as I forced it down my throat. I little dreamed that one day I would be a minister's wife, giving apples to other little girls to eat in my home. Don't worry, I always provide for appropriate disposal methods.

Looking back over 16 years in the ministry, I often wonder at the awe in which I held the minister's wife. It bordered on reverence. She always appeared sweet, serene, calm, and in control—something I rarely manage to be.

If you had asked me what I expected from ministerial work as we struggled through college years, I would have given you all the glib, pat answers that I had heard at student wives' meetings. Or I would have quoted from the only three books that were available on the topic.

My expectations of what was required of a minister's wife were not only naive but positively dangerous. Subsequent events modified my thinking dramatically. I learned to watch and listen, living by my wits and much prayer.

That God put up with this bumbling, fumbling female without throwing His hands up in horror is a remarkable testimony to His infinite patience. Many times I deserved "No, no, you've got it wrong again, Barbara." But instead He just smiled at my many mistakes. When I finally decided to listen first and then act, God showed me that there are less painful ways to do His will.

I eagerly entered into anything and everything during our early years. When the organist stayed home, I rallied to do her job. Her attendance became irregular, and I heard she was visiting other churches. I failed to see that I was the culprit.

I carried on playing, being helpful, doing the "Christian" thing, not realizing how much she actually needed to be needed. After some months I became suspicious and started wondering if she could be feeling unwanted.

A chance remark one day revealed that she was feeling decidedly inferior. I discovered that others also were very much in awe of my ability to fill in at a moment's notice. I soon remedied that. Suddenly I was unavailable to play. Remarkably, we were never without an organist.

I learned a valuable lesson about people and the importance of caring about their feelings. I also learned to check all options to seek out the talents of others and motivate them to use them. Instead of Mrs. Fix-it-all-up-by-myself, I learned to be Mrs. Motivator. In the process I have discovered an amazing amount of untapped talent. People were just waiting to be discovered and asked in the right way.

Playing games

The learning experience continued for me. For instance, I needed to learn not to play a game that some experienced parishioners played with great expertise. The game was called "Where Is the Text?"

It was especially easy for me to fall for this one. In my teens I had been the memory verse champion at church—largely because the only pocket money we received at home was for texts recited perfectly. So I was truly set up to play this game—for hours on end—with skilled manipulators on the other end of the line.

With each answer given, I saw my importance increase until I woke up to what was happening. Sometimes when the caller hung up without even a word of thanks, I felt a twinge of confusion and wondered what was really going on.

Gullible me. I thought that this was part of my job description. But in time I discovered that these people were just playing an ancient form of biblical Trivial Pursuit.

That was my second valuable lesson. If I answered people's every query, they were denied the thrill of sitting at Jesus' feet and listening to Him as He revealed His word to them. God taught me to encourage people to study for themselves. To discover the hidden treasures as the Holy Spirit opened their understanding. I no longer need to be thought of as Mrs. Know-it-all. I smile now when I hear myself saying, "What do you think?"

Doing too much

I am a people-pleaser, so life began to be pretty exhausting for me. Juggling family, a full-time job, and being a minister's wife was too much at times.

When we lived away from my homeland for six years, we frequently had visitors from overseas. I put the friends, family, and visitors from the division and conference up in our home, never dreaming of asking them to go to a motel. You see, that wasn't in keeping with my image of the perfect minister's wife.

When we didn't have guests staying with us, we brought people home on Sabbaths to get acquainted and show hospitality. It bothered me occasionally that we rarely were invited back.

I experienced periods of loneliness and depression. And my sense of inadequacy increased as I tried to be everywhere at once. In my head I knew it was impossible to please everyone, but at times I still felt hurt when I heard negative feedback.

Then one day I realized how tired and frazzled I had become. Trying to be "everything to everybody" was rapidly wearing me out. I knew then that it was time to reassess priorities. Though it took me a while to give myself permission not to have to take care of everyone's needs, I finally learned to say no.

So many of the "shoulds" ministers' wives face are part of a brilliant master plan introduced by that crafty man of lies and deceit Satan. He used my talents and ego to compromise me, my family, and my gifts, all to the altar of "things-that-a-minister's-wife-should-do-to-be-accepted." Yuck! No more, thank you. Nowadays, I check with God before I open my eager lips.

Improving communication

Finally I began to look for answers that would satisfy my own aching needs as well as help me to support others in their struggles. I had discovered that pat answers like "Sister, just take it to the Lord" are just a polite way of saying "I don't know what to say to you" or "I don't care to take the time to find out what really is behind your hurting spirit." And that such answers are insufficient.

Throughout our years of ministry, my husband and 1 have become more and more involved with learning communication and relationship skills and learning how to use these better in meeting people's real needs.

I would love to be able to say this was a natural progression of our flawless minis try. But I can't. We, like most mortals, learned the hard way.

I began to add to our already vast library. Authors like Keith Miller, Cecil Osborne, C. S. Lewis, Paul Tournier, James Dobson, Tim LaHaye, Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr., and John Powell began to fill up more shelves, next to the well-used and much-loved Scripture and Spirit of Prophecy.

What a world opened to me. I grabbed books and courses about communication, counseling, temperament analysis—anything that might help me under stand the human psyche a little better and thus better equip me to deal with my own needs and help others. My husband joined me whenever he could.

I became aware of an immediate difference in my life. Incidents involving pain, pride, pushiness, or even the need for heated exchanges began to seem like only one thing to me. Selfishness!

Ministering to each other

I began to dig deeper and discovered that I had been expecting others to take care of needs that were just too much for any human to fulfill. Scripture verified my discovery. "Casting all your care upon him" (1 Peter5:7). I had been casting my cares at other people instead of God, and expecting them to meet needs that only God could meet.

My talks with God became more real. I approached Him in openness and honesty. My prayers sounded like those Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr., wrote of: "Lord, right now I am hurting more than I think I can endure. I feel like screaming, running away, hitting somebody! I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I feel worthless, empty, sad, and angry. Thank You for loving me exactly as I am." *

Painfully and trustingly I committed my needs to God as I became aware of them. A sweet peace and joy began entering my soul. Negativity began to turn into positivity.

Satan wasn't too thrilled about this, and he threw some tough assignments my way. They were so painful that some times I would hear myself asking, "Does putting my needs in Your hands really work, God?" For the more I let others be themselves, the less my needs seemed to be cared for.

God patiently and gently kept pointing me upward. He reminded me that my needs were being met in Him. It was true. I just had to learn to keep my eyes focused up on Him instead of down on myself.

My low periods became much shorter, so that nowadays they are often gone within hours or moments. That's a miracle when I remember what a sulker I used to be.

Having my needs met in Christ has freed me in other areas, too. I have lowered my expectations of others and learned to let them be themselves. God helped me to accept others as they were and to leave the changing to Him.

Instead of questioning God when I en counter problems, now I ask Him to show what I have failed to see about myself in the situation. I reaffirm His acceptance of me and ask Him to show me how to deal with the problem. He does, every time! By the time God has finished with me, the other person doesn't look half as bad or full of evil motives as I thought! That is the freedom experienced in handing over a problem to God.

To me that is what Paul meant when he said he had to die daily. He chose to die daily to sin and self, and he commit ted his needs daily to the Lord.

Looking back over my life, I see I needed the negative experiences to teach me that God can lead me through. They showed me He is capable of running my life. These are necessary reminders in my life-book. Reminders of my fallible humanity and His infallible power.

Because of my experiences, others re late more easily to me. More important, I relate to them better. I now prize the quality relationships I share with my fellow humans and thank God for showing me that I am just as human as they are.

And as God is meeting all of my needs, I can recommend Him to others and as sure them that He will meet their needs also.

As I see it now, in my early ministry my ego and the urge to please made me good for nothing but the applause and praise of others. But now I have learned to be good for nothing and no one but God. And in this I have found true enjoyment and fulfillment.