Friends - we all need them

The young woman's voice broke down She was close to tears. "At the semi nary they told us not to have any friends in our church. My husband manages well enough, because he has such a lot to do. But I feel so lonely and insecure ..."

We were sitting on the floor in a circle around candles, a group of 30 ministers' wives who had convened for a seminar on counseling. Every evening we gathered to discuss our personal needs and pains. The camaraderie we felt encouraged this young ministerial intern's wife to confide her unfulfilled yearning for friendship.

Friends—we all need them. They are more precious than gold and diamonds. God created human beings with the need to communicate with each other. Al though pastors and their wives are just as human as everyone else, often I've heard counsel that we should not have close friends in our local churches. As if the pastoral couple is supposed to constantly give—give love, give time, give help, in various situations. When are we able to receive?

Of course, we can plug into the divine power plant, and that should be our prime effort every day. But I think God uses other means to give us strength as well, such as the influence of good friends. Time spent with friends makes us happier and healthier—healthier in a broader sense. And friends can help us when we have difficulties. They can help us with constructive criticism that we might otherwise be unwilling to accept. They are often the only pastor a pastor has access to.

One conference president testified that at the beginning of their ministry he and his wife avoided close relationships with parishioners. At the seminary they had swallowed the pill called "no friends," but they never found happiness in that mind-set. Now, looking back, they are sure it was wrong. The wife in particular could have done with a bit of help and friendship, having borne two babies within a year without grandparents nearby.

Naturally, it is not wise to favor some church members with friendship while neglecting others. We should be friendly with all parishioners, remembering that not all "friends" are really trustworthy.

Acquaintances and friends

Real friends are those you can disturb in the middle of the night if necessary and still find yourself welcome. There is a difference between acquaintances and friends. At least in our "old" European countries you don't get too chummy with new acquaintances. A friendship will blossom when the circumstances are right. And when it does, it will bring forth fruit that has no harmful effect on others. So let's not worry so much about the danger of having too close friends in the church.

Good friends will help us cope with all the rest of the church! We are often encouraged to find our friends among other pastors and their wives. And how wonderful it would be if colleagues could all be friends! Unfortunately, sometimes a neighboring peer is not quite a kindred spirit! Becoming vulnerable might be detrimental to one's career.

No, it is not easy to have friends among the pastoral corps. And even when the men manage to form a bond, what about their wives? As long as children are at home and in school, mothers are more or less bound to the turf even when shepherdess meetings are organized.

Another problem with befriending fellow ministers' families is that it takes time for a friendship to grow. We are so busy in our own district that it is some times impossible to enjoy fellowship with neighboring pastoral couples. And when a friendship finally forms ... it's time to pack our cases and move on again. Some times we realized who our real friends were only when we moved away!

Keeping in touch

Being a part of the "Advent movement," it is difficult to grow roots any where. But we have friends in many countries on various continents with whom we stay in touch through letters in different languages. Moving means we leave our friends behind but it also means we have a chance to make new friends. And thus each time we move we eventually feel richer.

I remember how we used to wait for the mail when we served in Africa. Our nearest friends lived more than 500 miles away that meant 24 hours on disastrous roads. My husband often spent weeks on bush trips, leaving me alone with our children. The mail was my only contact with friends and family. It came once in a fortnight if some bus driver remembered to go and pick up the mailbag on his way out of the capital. No wonder I appreciated letters!

It isn't always easy to find time to write to friends. But it takes effort to keep a friendship alive whether you are close together or far away. And the rewards are worth the trouble.

Just be yourself

I have often wondered why missionaries have an invisible bond of friendship even if they don't know each other well. Recently we hosted a missionary family for the weekend. My husband knew them, but I had never seen them before. Yet from the moment they entered our house we were friends. Sharing common experiences may be the reason participating in the joys and difficulties of a life that only another missionary can fully under stand. Why doesn't this camaraderie apply in the same way to other pastoral couples? They experience similar concerns and joys. The problem may be that we are so busy "playing a role" that we don't let people see us as we are, our normal selves.

Karen Burton Mains tells in her book Open Heart, Open Home¹ of a lady who came into her home at a moment when she was least prepared for visitors. She looked around and remarked, "I used to think you were perfect, but now I think we can be friends."

I resist talking about the "role of a minister's wife" because I don't want to play a role. I want to be myself. I like to reach out to others in my own particular way, with my own talents. If we try to project an image of the perfect pastoral family, people might even be scared of us. Let's have the courage to be normal people. Then we can reach out to others and give of our love in a natural way. When we give of our love, friendship will grow.

Blossoming friendship

I like to think of friendship as a beautiful flower that spreads out the perfume of love and caring. This perfume will attract bees and butterflies. Don't worry about their robbing your nectar. At the same time they take from you they also give you pollen that will fertilize your own being. So friendship is constantly giving and taking, one of the most natural things in life.

Some people are more outgoing than others and find it easy to make friends. Others are shy and retiring and tend to watch life go by. I am basically a shy person and have experienced the frustration of being in a crowd of people knowing hardly anybody. I have learned not to withdraw, although this would be the easiest thing to do. There are always others who do not know everybody and who also feel lonely, so I just go to somebody and ask a few questions. At pastoral retreats I approach the people who are new in our conference and try to make them feel at ease. Usually they are glad to share their experiences, and the first steps toward friendship are taken.

Children help make friends

We have found that our four daughters have been a great help toward communication. Sometimes I tell young ministerial couples, half in earnest, "The best way to make friends in your new church is either to have a new baby when you arrive or to expect one soon!" Children really are a big help in making friends. They always give something to talk about, even for a very shy person. Mothers are a species of their own, and once you belong to this category of people, communication is guaranteed.

Older children have their own friends, and often contacts with the parents of your children's friends develop into real friendships. Don't be afraid of asking them to stay for supper even if you haven't prepared anything. Spontaneous invitations are so much cozier! Nobody expects a five-course meal.

We used to live at the back of the church building. Our daughter Nadia would wait in front of the church on Sabbath mornings for the first people to come. She could hardly await the arrival of her friends. What a welcome! At the end of a Sabbath day full of activities the children were still reluctant to part. So we would invite the family to stay for supper and play games together. We had a lot of fun.

Doing things together Another way to make friends is to do things together. Pastors who are continuously "on duty" will find it harder to make friends than those who take time off to share their leisure with others. Some say, "This is my day off and that is family time." Family time is great, but family time together with another family can be the beginning of a lasting friendship. Pastors off duty are easier to make friends with.

Church retreats have a way of mixing duty and leisure activities, so church members can see the pastoral family as normal people. Sports or hobbies are a good way to make friends. The point is to be as normal as possible so others dare to be our friends.

My husband loves to go to my home country, Finland, for our holidays. One day on a church outing he told our church elder about our plans for the summer holidays in Finland. My husband must have described Finland as a paradise on earth, because, to my horror, the elder became interested in sharing our holiday in Finland! I don't enjoy playing the tour guide, so I wasn't enthusiastic about showing this elder and his family around the country. Nevertheless, we went to Finland with them and had a marvelous time. We became friends.

Other friends

A friend of mine from childhood recently sent me a copy of a document we both signed when we were 12 years old, promising to be friends "till death us do part." I had completely forgotten about it, but she had pasted it in her diary. And really, our friendship has lasted more than 30 years even though we have lived far apart. I believe some of our best friend ships are the ones we make in childhood—my friend is as close as a sister. I can trust her with things I would tell no one else. We don't write letters all the time and we don't see each other often, but when we do, it is as if we had never been separated. I en courage my children to keep in touch with their friends by letters and visits so that they can keep their childhood friends.

Many pastors and their wives find it refreshing to have friends outside the church and not just for the purpose of converting them. Could it be that the church forces us into a mold to which we are expected to conform, and thus the only place we can be normal people is outside the church? Neighbors can become good friends if we spend time with them. They may not directly encourage us in our ministry, but they will keep us in touch with the real world and will challenge us to keep our Christianity real.

Focus on being a friend

If we want friends, we should support and encourage those around us. Rather than focusing on "having friends," we should dedicate ourselves to "being friends." This is especially important in relating to colleagues in the clergy, where it seems difficult to find real friends. When we support and affirm our ministerial peers, holding their secrets in confidence, we establish lasting friendships with them.

Thank God He made us as He did, dependent on relationships relationships that enrich our lives. Let's be open and honest with each other, and then we'll find rewarding relationships wherever we are.