THERE is no outline of interview for marriage counseling that suits every case. Best results are usually obtained when the inter view is conducted informally. It requires greater effort, perhaps, to conduct a profitable informal interview, but the person who is in difficulty responds more favorably to an easy type of conversation than to the stilted question-and-answer style. Further more, an informal interview permits the counselor to adapt his method to the needs of the individual case. The following suggestions are offered as guidelines.
Be cordial. Keep in mind that your client is already under emotional pressure and that an interview in which personal problems are discussed is a painful ordeal. Try to use language and attitudes that put him at ease rather than on the defensive. Begin the interview with the simple question, "What do you want to talk about?" This puts him more at ease than to suddenly ask, "What's the problem?"
Keep the client's confidence. Persons in trouble hesitate to confide their difficulties because of their fear that these, in turn, will be told to others, and thus matters regarding which they are very sensitive will become common knowledge in the community. It is a good thing to give reassurance on this matter before there is an opportunity for questions to be asked along this line. Say to the client, "Before our discussion goes any farther, let me assure you that I recognize that the matters you are discussing are personal. I promise not to divulge them to others without your permission."
Let the client cry. Persons having trouble in their marriage, either men or women, are often emotionally distraught. Once they find themselves across the desk from a counselor, there comes a letdown. The topics about which they speak have many emotional connotations. Often, in the first interview, the client begins to weep as the story is told. Some are embarrassed when this happens, and it is kind on the part of the counselor to make some reassuring statement and then move on with the inter view as though nothing unusual were happening. He can simply say, "Think nothing of the tears. They only indicate that you are reacting normally."
Look for clues. A good counselor does much more listening than speaking, but his listening is not passive. As he listens, his mind must be active in the effort to penetrate beyond the words that are spoken, in the hope of discovering basic problems. He must avoid drawing conclusions too soon, but he should be alert to evidences of such circumstances as fundamental selfishness, domination of inlaws, anxiety over finances, rivalry for dominance, and differences between husband and wife which bring their conscientious convictions into conflict.
Don't probe. As far as possible, avoid direct questions. Place more of the responsibility on the client to tell the facts that are significant. Should the client suspect that the counselor is trying to satisfy his own curiosity regarding personal matters, he will be on guard rather than at ease. Most people respond unfavorably to cross-questioning. It is well to direct the conversation by asking an occasional leading question or by making an occasional comment. It is even permissible to ask, "Do I understand you correctly in this matter?" or to stimulate the client's cooperation by saying, "What do you make of this?"
Don't take sides. The easiest mistake in counseling is to become too sympathetic with the party who talks to you first, making up your mind as to the basic problem before you have heard the other side of the story. As you listen to the client's recital, keep asking yourself, What is be tween the lines of this statement? Keep reminding yourself that in most cases o£ marital difficulty the responsibility rests about fifty-fifty with husband and wife. Another question to carry in mind, and for which you ultimately need the answer is, What has this person done to aggravate his partner in marriage?
Don't judge harshly. The successful counselor avoids being critical or expressing condemnation. To do so deters the client from telling more and makes him fear that his is already a lost cause. The counselor should not wink at sin, but neither should he appear surprised at the "awful things" his client may tell. Rather than assuming the role of judge, let him say, "You have a serious problem." Or perhaps he could ask, "What does your con science dictate?" or "What does the Bible say?"
Stall for time. There is a time factor in successful counseling that makes it impossible to accomplish as much in one inter view as the counselor might wish. It takes a while for a person in difficulty to fathom the cause-and-effect relationship of his difficulty. Also, when emotions are keenly aroused there is interference with the ability to think clearly. It is sometimes necessary, therefore, for the counselor to say, "I think you have been through enough for this time. Let's continue on a later occasion." Long interviews and interviews that are too frequent often handicap progress. One hour is usually long enough for the interview, and once a week is usually an ideal interval. The counselor is often gratified to see how much progress his client has made on his own during the week between interviews.
Do not dwell too much on sex. For some reason the popular opinion has developed that a marriage counselor is a sexologist and that marriage counseling consists essentially of discussing sexual relationships. It is the opinion of many marriage counselors that sexual problems are actually symptoms rather than causes of difficulty. The safe course for the counselor to pursue, therefore, is to look beyond the manifestation of sexual incompatibility to discover the basic fear, the basic insecurity, or the basic selfishness.
Avoid pontification. The question is often asked, How much counsel should a counselor give? The answer is that he should avoid being arbitrary and should encourage the client to reach his own conclusions and make his own decisions rather than to depend on the counselor to tell him what to do. What the client discovers on his own (after you have set the stage) influences him much more than the formal advice you may give. You may promote progress by asking the client, "Have you made up your mind?" If he seems unable to make his own decisions, then say, "These are the decisions you need to make next." In this connection it is also advisable to give the client certain reading assignments, and when he returns, ask him what he has learned from these.
Present a spiritual challenge. As Christians, our greatest opportunity in marriage counseling consists in directing the client's thoughts to the Source of his spiritual strength. Ask him if he believes that God has a personal interest in each of His pro fessed children.. Then ask if he has faith enough to believe that God permitted the present difficulty as a means to some good end. (See Hebrews 12:6.) Then ask him if he is yet able to discern the reason why this experience may have come into his life. If not, then encourage him to pray for enlightenment so that he can relate himself to the experience in a manner that will strengthen character—either his or that of someone else who is involved. (See Job 42:10.) In some cases, where the client seems to have been particularly, tempted to do something sinful, it is better to remark, "This was a temptation of Satan," than to be openly critical of the client's conduct.
Conclude with prayer. This is the counselor's opportunity to set a precedent by which this individual will learn to take his problems to his heavenly. Father. You may introduce the prayer by simply saying, "These problems are too great for us to solve in our human strength. Let us bow our heads a moment in prayer before you depart, and ask God to intervene and overrule."
