Writing to ministers on the subject of the home is almost like shipping oil to the Arabs! What can be written to those who have preached so many sermons on the subject? However, insistence upon the obvious is sometimes more important than clarification of the obscure. And since it is possible for us to become so involved as pastors in "saving" other homes that we forget our own, perhaps a few thoughts concerning our homes may be in order.
People are most important
Life's greatest values come from persons in relationship. Think of the experiences that bring you the greatest joys. Are they not those that have to do with persons? Think of the experiences that bring you the greatest sorrows or heartaches. These too have to do with persons, do they not? Persons are far more important than things, yet things often loom so large on our horizon that we lose sight of people. We have a tendency to love things and use people, when really we ought to love people and use things.
Persons are more important than statistics, policies, or even doctrines. Yet, do we not at times consider doctrine more important than persons and argue theological positions at the expense of love relationships? Is it possible to be more concerned about our "orthodoxy" than we are about the salvation of the members of our own family, when, actually, sin and salvation can be best understood in terms of bro ken and restored relationships? Surely the salvation of those in our own home should be our first concern. Since home relationships are so very important, let's consider how we, as ministers, relate to our homes.
The minister's self
We must not forget that the minister is first of all a person—a human being. Being ordained or hired by the conference does not automatically make one divine. You and I are subject to all the emotions, reactions, and tendencies common to the human race. This being true, we ought to take seriously Paul's counsel "Examine yourselves" (2 Cor. 13:5).
What we are as persons is most important. And what we are in our homes is more nearly a true picture of what we really are than what we appear to be in the pulpit or in relation to other people.
Every minister needs the quiet hour for communion with God and with his own heart. To look within may be very discouraging as we face the truth about ourselves. However, if we do so in the context of communion with God, then His grace will provide the cleansing and healing that will enable us to become the kind of persons we should be. Here are some personal questions that we might ask ourselves: 1. Are things more important to me than persons? What if Junior accidentally breaks something valuable? 2. Do I live superficially behind a respectable and pious facade? Must I always wear a mask? 3. How rigid am I in my demands upon others? Am I as flexible and understanding with my loved ones at home as with my secretary or parishioners? 4. In even my closest human relationships, including marriage, am I detached much of the time?
By becoming thoroughly acquainted with ourselves in the con text of a love relationship with Jesus Christ, we can grow by God's grace into persons who will bring strength and happiness to our homes.
The minister's theology in his home
Our theology affects all our dealings with our families; the very atmosphere of our home reflects it. Does our theology create an atmosphere of peace and joy? Does it produce feelings of security and acceptance?
On the basis of your theology, can your family rest assured of life eternal? Is the gospel really good news to them? Or do they say, "I wish I hadn't heard it, then I wouldn't have to live it. But now that I have heard it, I don't want to burn, so here goes"? Do they think more of what they have to give up as Christians than of their opportunities?
Are the doctrines of the church presented in a way that causes fear and anxiety, insecurity and despair, even hostility and rebellion? A religion of fear can cause mental illness, you know.
A young woman around 20 years of age, whom we shall call Jane, sat in my office one day and said, "I'm so miserable! I've tried to live a Christian life, but I can't do it successfully, so why should I keep on trying? Sometimes I think I'd like to go out into the world and live it up for a while and then end it all; I'm going to be lost anyway. But there's something inside me that won't let me do it. What can I do?"
"Tell me about yourself, Jane," I said. In the course of our conversation I discovered that her mother was a perfectionist. (Let me say that it is not blame we need, but under standing.) Jane's mother was a very lovely person, but perfectionists find it difficult to live in an imperfect world. And sometimes it is hard to live with a perfectionist.
Nothing Jane did seemed to be just right for her mother. Is it any wonder that ten years later as she sat in my office, nothing she did was just right for God in her mind?
To most people, God is a big edition of daddy or mother. Concepts of God are caught more than they are taught. What kind of God do we present in our homes? Is He the same God we preach about in the pulpit?
Some ministers in their zeal to have an ideal home tend to make minor infractions seem like major catastrophes, and thus create an atmosphere of fear and anxiety. Mistakes and errors in judgment are made to seem like great sins, and religion becomes a burden too heavy to bear.
Do we give the impression that Jesus doesn't love "bad" boys? We may not say it audibly, but our attitude may say it even more emphatically than words. Actually, "bad" people are the very ones for whom Jesus gave His life.
Possibly our own concepts of God are legalistic and austere. We reveal such attitudes much more than we realize in our sermons, as well as in our dealings with others, especially in our homes. After hearing you preach, do people go away convicted if necessary, but inspired and encouraged nonetheless? Or do they leave with a hopeless feeling, be cause they find it impossible to measure up to God's requirements? Are Christian graces presented as prerequisites to fellowship with Christ rather than the results of that fellowship? What you, yourself, believe about God will be reflected in the atmosphere of your home.
Some practical suggestions
1. Give the home the priority it demands and deserves. If a man's family is not more important than his vocation—as important as that vocation may be something is wrong with his sense of values. The minister's duties are very important, but his first duty is to his family. Nothing can excuse the minister for neglecting the inner circle—not even the larger circle outside.
Could it be that some ministers use "the work of the Lord" and "more baptisms" as excuses to avoid responsibilities at home? Of course, sometimes the opposite is also true: spending time at home may be an escape from some dis agreeable task. In either case the home will be affected. It is not the quantity of time spent with the family, but the quality of the relation ship, that counts.
Are your appointments with your family as important to you as any other that you feel you must keep? Someone has written: I may fail to be as clever
As my neighbor down the street.
I may fail to be as wealthy
As some other men I meet.
I may never win the glory
Which a lot of men have had.
But I've got to be successful
As a little fellow's dad.
It's the one job that I dream of.
It's the task I think of most.
If I fail that growing youngster
I'll have nothing else to boast.
For though wealth and fame I'd gather,
All my fortune would be sad
If I'd failed to be successful
As that little fellow's dad.
2. Develop a sense of togetherness. Within the family all should feel that they belong and that each is one hundred percent for every other member. However, togetherness includes also goals and purposes that the family share together in service for others outside the family. A home can become self-centered, as well as can individuals. Happiness is not found in shutting ourselves up to ourselves or in each going his separate way.
I like to hear a minister's wife say, "We married them" or "We baptized them," though maybe she had very little personally to do with it. In all that a minister does he should make his family feel that they are part of his concerns.
In order to foster the spirit of togetherness, the minister and his wife must take time to make love. A minister's wife must remember that she is married to a man, not just a minister. One of her greatest contributions to his success is to be a good lover. The minister too must re member that in order to have a good lover for a wife, he must be one himself. Keeping this aspect of togetherness alive minimizes temptations to extramarital affairs.
3. Build uniqueness of personality. Every human being, created in the image of God, is endowed with a power akin to that of the Creator—individuality, power to think and to do. The home should be the place where this power is developed.
Jesus said that in marriage the two should be one, but He did not intend that they should continually be arguing which one! While marriage partners are to blend as one, neither is to lose his or her individuality in the other. Each should help the other to develop his true self, each should accept the other just as he is and not try to change him into an imagined ideal. "Why can't you be like Pastor X's wife?" is a devastating question to ask. Help your mate to be the best possible person in his own unique way.
Uniqueness of personality needs to be developed in each child in the family, as well. Parents should recognize that each child is a little per son like no other, and refuse to force arbitrarily upon him their parental desires independently of the child's own God-given gifts and talents. If Junior wants to be a mechanic in stead of a preacher, help him be come the best Christian mechanic in town.
4. Make religion attractive. Rather than trying to compel his children to have a form of religion, the minister should set the principles of Heaven before them in an attractive light. The religion of Christ is made attractive most effectively by cheerfulness, courtesy, compassion, sympathy, and a good sense of humor. Some ministers have a tend ency to take themselves and every one else too seriously, thus creating an atmosphere of gloom and sadness. If the sound of laughter and singing for joy is not heard in your home, then find out why as soon as possible.
Of course, parents need to be firm in requiring respect and obedience, but these attributes really cannot be demanded or commanded. Parents who themselves are obedient to God and respectful to each other, and who treat their children with respect, will be most effective in planting these principles in the lives of their children.
Religion can be made unattractive by the way in which family worship is conducted. The reading of long passages, long prayers, discussion of subjects not meaningful to children, are not conducive to enthusiasm for religion. Plan ahead to make spiritual things interesting and even exciting. Let the children express their ideas, treat them as persons in their own right. They will respond if they know they are appreciated.
What about the minister who feels he has been a failure in his home because his child gives up "the faith" and goes "out into the world"? The heartbreaking experience can so discourage a minister that he will consider giving up the ministry. "Why should I continue to help other parents' children when I can't even keep my own?" seems to be a logical question.
If you find yourself in this situation, don't give up. If you do, then the devil will surely rejoice, for he will score a double victory. You have a special opportunity to demonstrate the unconditional love of God. Love your wayward child and keep praying.
Remember, the last chapter is not written yet. As long as there is life there is hope. And even those who die without giving evidence of coming back, rest in the arms of a loving Lord. He knows what they did in the last moments of life, and when we find out we will all exclaim, "Just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints." "True and righteous are thy judgments" (Rev. 15:3; 16:7).
What a joy it will be, however, if with unbroken homes we can say on that day, "Here am I and the children whom Thou hast given me."
