Start by learning their names . . .

It could have been almost any town, any place. The kids were acting out sexually and chemically, and the adults were worried. Worried enough to throw a lot of money into prevention. In fact, no one could ever say they hadn't put their money where their mouth was. They had brought in the big guns with the best resources and the most engaging props. The kids had even said Thanks! They liked it! But here again were the town fathers a year later, with the same teen pregnancy and drug and alcohol abuse statistics staring them in the face. From all appearances, little had changed. That was the reason for the town meeting. And that was the reason for the speech.

He was an unlikely speech maker, the lanky rancher sitting on the back row in his cowboy boots, and his speech wasn't long. It was just profound. "If you want to know what I think," he drawled, "I think we should start by learning their names."

Anyone who has lived in the same house with a teenager knows the wonder and delight of watching these incredibly interesting creatures emerge from the cocoon of childhood. In the same wrapping, of course, come the challenges and worries of responsible parenthood through this delicate adolescent season of drying wings and flight lessons. There are so many influences, so many risks, and so many life decisions to be made. So many adjustments as relationships transition from parent-child, to parent-teen, to parent-young adult.

We have enough data to know that the town meeting could just as well have been an Adventist town hall. A study conducted among Seventh-day Adventist youth attending 69 Seventh-day Adventist secondary schools throughout the United States and Canada¹ measured the extent to which Seventh-day Adventist youth use drugs and alcohol and engage in sex outside of marriage.

There was some good news. Overall, the Adventist youth surveyed reported lower levels of substance abuse and were less sexually active than their counterparts in the culture at large. There was also bad news. The study clearly showed that Seventh-day Adventist youth are not immune to behaviors that put their well being at high risk. Significant numbers of Adventist students are using drugs and alcohol. Some begin as preteens. Nearly one in five Adventist students participating in the study reported having engaged in premarital sex.

The Adventist Family Study initiated by the General Conference Department of Family Ministries, with more than 8,000 respondents from seven world divisions, con firmed that the world church faces similar concerns to those raised by the North American Division study. The global impact of the HIV/AIDS epidemic a totally prevent able disease that threatens to obliterate whole generations and is in many cases contracted between the ages of 15 and 25 has heightened the urgency of finding the keys to better life choices.

Let's not misunderstand this study. It's not as though the concerns are new. It's not that modern moms and dads don't love their teenagers and try to be good parents to them. It's not like adults in churches, schools, and communities have put little energy into an active ministry to children and youth. On the contrary, the many positive outcomes of their efforts should be applauded! It's just that the problem hasn't gone away, and the back-row cowboy's words of wisdom may just provide us with a further hint at what is important when it comes to these issues.

Know the kids' names!

It's amazing how much difference some thing as simple as knowing someone's name can make.

A friend of mine told me a story. She goes to a rather large church. It's easy for a kid to get lost in a big church, particularly a kid who goes to public school or doesn't particularly shine otherwise. My friend discovered a young girl in her large congregation who had the same name as her daughter. So she introduced herself to the girl. She showed her a picture of her own daughter, now grown and moved away, and told her how seeing her in church and knowing they shared the same name made her think warm thoughts about her family.

After that, my friend made a special point of connecting with her daughter's "namesake" every Sabbath. The girl struggled through adolescence, and had a baby before she was married. But week by week my friend was there with a friendly smile and an encouraging word. Adolescence is behind the girl now. She is married, and she is also still in church. Her bond with my friend remains. It start ed just with a name.

Last week we were back in our pew in our local church after nearly two months of travel for our work. Karen, along with a team of five other people, is responsible for the children's story each week, so all the children are her friends. During the worship hour, as the children go to the front for their story time, they collect offerings for Christian education. As Karen offered a dollar bill to a favorite three-year-old passing by, he stopped dead in his tracks and put his hands on his hips. Squinting and scrunching up his nose as if unable to be completely sure, he inquired, "Are you Grandma?" (We have no biological grandchildren, but we have adopted many.)

"Why, yes!" Karen responded. "I haven't seen you for a long time."

"Well," he announced, lest she may have forgotten, "I'm Andrew." And with that he took the dollar and moved along.

Is this too simple or anecdotal? Actually, we have it on very good authority. In 1997 the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (AdHealth) was launched across the United States, collecting data from 90,000 teens and 18,000 of their parents. This study provides a suitable capstone to the growing body of research that undergirds our understanding of the factors that pre dispose today's children and youth to involvement in high-risk behaviors and those factors that are most likely to protect them from harm. The one word that encapsulates all this research is connectedness. In short, kids who feel connected to family, church, school, and community are far less likely to participate in behaviors that put them at risk.²

Keep kids connected

The question is, "What makes kids feel connected?" Remembering that Susie has a biology test today and promising to pray for her. Taking time for fun. Opening our homes to kids and their friends. Setting sensible limits while maintaining reasonable flexibility. Being available. Asking questions that show interest in kids' lives and pursuits. Noticing a job well done. Treating kids fairly and equitably. Setting high expectations and clearly communicating our disapproval of risky behaviors. Becoming a reliable source of good information. Listening with undivided attention. Watching out for the vulnerable.

Drs. Gary Hopkins and Bruce Heischober,³ physicians at Loma Linda University with expertise in youth at-risk behavior, wrote a seminar for parents on building connections that make a difference in the lives of children and youth. Here is their bottom line.

Connectedness takes time and requires genuine interest in young people and their issues. It means going where the kids are. It involves listening and dialogue as well as talking. Connectedness is about warmth and caring and love and friendship. It is also about setting limits and super vision. It's about building trust and holding on during the hard times.

Connectedness is about mentoring and making wholesome values attractive. It requires a willingness to negotiate and release responsibility to young people, in keeping with their growing maturity. Connectedness is about getting involved and giving of yourself. It is about looking out for kids who are discouraged or troubled. Connectedness is about helping someone who has made a mistake to begin again. Connectedness is about supporting parents and families. It means opening our families to include others in the circle of caring and fun. Connectedness is about becoming community.

But it can't happen until people like us start learning names.